Sunnidays

Two More Years,....WOW!

2010-12-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is 2010. Today is the four anniversary of my divorce and almost five years since we separated. I read back through some of my early posts tonight...WOW! If I am honest with myself, I have not learned those lessons I said I needed to learn in the beginning, but oh, the lessons I have learned! I learned it was okay to be me......I learned to be comfortable in my own skin....I learned to LIVE...fully, complete, and freely! Oh, what a glorious lesson it has been. No, life is not perfect, but it is beautiful.

Almost forgot how to do this

2008-06-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I posted, I almost forgot how to do this. My God, where do I start? Two years since I began this blog, and how things have changed. I started writing on here to try to heal myself....and it helped. I moved on to other avenues after a while though, and maybe it is that some things come into our lives for a reason (or a season?).

I am the same woman who started this two years ago and I am a completely different woman. It is amazing how that works. Those who have travelled the path of divorce and rediscovering ourselves will understand this statement. Others may not. It is just how things work.

Where have I been? Everywhere.....you know the George Strait song, "She let herself go"....that was me! No, not as in looking bad or anything like that, but let myself go as in discovered the world and me! It has been a busy, wonderful, and yes, sometimes, painful two years. But I stand here today, a healthy, happy woman who is truly blessed.

THere are so many details since I truly last posted that I may never be able to cover all of them; but for those who wonder, I am here, I am good.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and a better life. I never would have believed it, but yes, it is true.

Thank God.

The Even Better Me Coming Soon!

2007-04-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

I posted a few weeks ago and was very vague about things going on in my life. I promised my friend, Trisha, who is most likely the only person who reads this (which is fine because it is just for clearing the head and cleansing the soul) that I would catch up with details later.......so here goes:

1st: I am for the first time in my life putting myself first. I am having surgery in June to correct something that really bothers me. I was a very large (not exactly tiny now..lol) woman when I had my kids by c-section. When the muscle is cut, the fat and everything just stays there and no amount of exercise will ever make it go away. I have lost fifty pounds this past year, gone down two sizes in my clothes and feel good about myself over all except for my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I am not skinny, I am a large boned, muscular person who is still out of shape and needs to lose another fifty pounds. I know that although I am working on getting in shape, I will never be what I was in high school and honestly, I am not willing to do or live in a way that would make that happen. Life is too short to deny yourself some pleasures (within reason, of course). So, I am having a "tummy tuck"...sounds simple....but oh my goodness, it is not. It is actually called a full abdominoplasty. The recovery time will be several weeks and it is a major surgery. Seems severe to put myself through this, but it is for me......not anyone else. I have wanted to do this for years, but I made the decision that I would do it in December or January. I just had to wait to be able to do it until school is out and I had the money saved.

Now, again it is not for anyone else. But, yes, I have met someone....the 2nd part of my vague email.....coming next!!!

I AM

2007-04-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of each school year, I have my students write an I am poem. It is more or less a formula poem where they feel in blanks with words describing themselves. It is an opportunity, if they take it seriously, to get to know who they are as we begin our journey together. Eight years ago when I started teaching, I wrote my own as an example for the kids. Going through some old lessons this morning, I found my example. Since my life has changed so much in eight years, I revisited my poem. Below I have posted my first poem from eight years ago and the one that came to me this morning. Am I still the same person, no. Is she still in there? I am not sure that I want her to be, but then again, she wasn't all bad.

Poem from eight years ago:

I am nurturing and sensitive
I wonder what goes on inside my children’s heads
I hear the ocean waves
I see my grandfather smiling
I want my boys to be great men
I am nurturing and sensitive

I pretend I am skinny
I feel happy
I touch someone’s life
I worry about my children and my students
I cry at sad movies
I am nurturing and sensitive

I understand life requires work
I say always do your best
I dream about making a difference
I try to be a good person
I hope I am successful
I am nurturing and sensitive

My new biopoem:

I am at times happy and scared
I wonder what the future holds for me and my boys
I hear the ocean gently calling me
I see a future of possibilities, but at times, it seems to be far away
I want to live fully with love and no fear
I am at times happy and scared

I pretend that everything is wonderful even when it is not
I feel some days like I am drowning and some, I soar
I touch the life my future holds and wonder
I worry that I will lose my boys someday
I cry at the idea of being alone forever
I am at times happy and scared

I understand there are no guarantees in life
I say God please give me the grace to follow
I dream of waking to the surf each day
I try to live fully each day and not dwell on the past
I hope someday the pain and fear goes away
I am at times happy and scared

Now, I realize that I keep saying I will stay up to date on here....Sorry Trisha! There is just so much going on now with school, the boys, and of course, life that time is not a luxury I have a lot of at this point. I will try to do as much as I can and of course, summer will allow lots of time for reflection. Be patient with me.....please.

Patience

2007-04-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

A friend gave me a good quote last week...."Patience is learning to trust in God's timing." Patience has never been one of my virtues, but God is definitely working on me in that area. There are many things in my life that I have had to wait for or on this past year especially.

Areas in which I have to trust God's timing right now:

--settlement and custody paperwork is not complete....ex is changing his mind on things and refuses to sign our original paperwork that is ready now (more on this later)
--I want to move and go back to school but ex won't allow it without a fight for the boys because it is out of state (more later)
--I have a "friend" who whether I am ready for this or not, I have begun to care for and the relationship will not progress past the point it is ever....he actually has more issues than I do....imagine that! (of course-more later)
--I am having surgery in June......need to come up with $8,000 to pay for it since ex changed settlement plans
--school needs to end.....
--boys are spending time with ex and "girlfriend" the one he did not cheat on me with (yeah...)

Goodness, I sound awfully negative tonight. I guess it is just my mood---no one can always be bright and cheerful, not even Sunni.

My goal with this blog is to stay up to date and to write at least every other day. The boys schedule and of course, the crazy time at school right now might make that impossible, but with the one year mark coming up, I think I might need to "sort" out a lot of stuff and here is the perfect place.

So, tomorrow night....which topic should I choose?

Seven Months Later....

2007-04-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

Seven months later............. oh my goodness.....where do I start? First of all, there is life after hell. Yes, it comes in stages which is why there are different degrees of burns! December 27th was the divorce date. December 26th I learned that my now ex-husband had lied to me for the entire seven months of our separation and had been with the other the entire time...but he lied to protect me because he did not want to hurt me....lol! There is no way I can catch up every single detail of my life experiences in the past seven months, but let me give you a few highlights!

First of all, there is a God and there is recovery from divorce. At some point in the process, a switch turns off everything. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you reach the point of indifference, it is such a beautiful feeling. For me, it came the day I learned that he had lied the entire time...something just clicked and I was able to walk out and live. Now, it has been a slow and at times, painful process........let's be honest, very painful. I began the new year, 2007, as a single mom. I have even been one a few dates.....those stories will be for another time.

The divorce issues are not finished though and to be honest, I am not sure if they ever will be. In order to get our divorce, we had to push it though and actually go to court on the 27th of December. We filed and finalized the same day to avoid the new Louisiana law that mandates a minimum one year waiting period after filing if there are minor children involved. We had been separated for seven and a half months on the 27th. The problem is that since we pushed the divorce, the custody and settlement issues were not resolved yet. And as of today, they still aren't! Isn't life exciting? God, I could give you details that would make your head spin, but I am not sure if it is even worth typing. Let's just say, and God forgive me, but the once sweet, gentle man that I married is now a Class A Asshole. It is amazing how much people can change, but then, I have changed as well.

How have a I changed? Well, for the first time in my life, outside of my children, I am putting ME first. Imagine that? For nineteen years I always put someone else's needs, wants, and desires above my own and now, well let's just say the world is all about Sonja outside of the boys. Selfish? Maybe, but it feels good.

How am I doing? Honestly, wonderful!!!!! It is amazing how much we as women hide even from ourselves. I did not realize exactly how unhappy I was. Is my life perfect now? God, no. I still get lonely as hell, and like tonight, it is hard to deal with sharing my children, but over all, my life is good. There are things that still need to be worked on, improved, and things I don't like about it, but it is good.

So, lots more needs to be written here, but I have to stop for now because Sonja's needs come first and I am going to meet a friend to have fun.

Life 101....actually a friend and I decided that if I can ever get my act completely together, I need to write a book about this past year....."Screwed and Tattooed"....catchy title? Yes, that is copyrighted! It will come eventually!

Later....

Life 101

2006-09-24T03:17:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile.....to be honest, I just have not known what to say anymore. I have used the time that I normally spent here writing out my thoughts and feelings for study, prayer, and reflection. It has helped immensely.

My husband and I have worked out the divorce issues (I am sure a few things will change with the attorney). We will get a divorce. Let's be honest, we may have been separated for almost five months now, and the last month together was pure hell, but the last year was not that great. He changed, I thought the changes were about something different, and I fooled myself into believing that everything was okay. It was not. I guess I changed too. We could have continued going through the motions like we were, it was okay, but would it have really been fair to either of us??? Could we have put more effort into things and made it work? Maybe. Who knows? We didn't; it fell a part, and here we are. Our children will suffer the most, but together, we can pull them through it. They will be okay; we both love them very much and we will teach them how to pick up the pieces and move forward with their life. Hopefully, they will learn to never take their marriages for granted. I hope so.

So, here we are. New life really begins. Who is Sonja? What will she do? I do know that I am getting more comfortable with myself. The loneliness is still hard to deal with, but I am dealing. Each and every time the boys are gone for the weekend, I get stronger. I have no choice, but I know that there is a reason for everything; I do not have to understand it, I just have to go with it.

This journal has helped me through some of the darkest days and nights these past few months. Much has happened in the past few weeks, and this post does not begin to cover it all, but sometimes, we have to think about something, reflect on it before we can begin to understand and share. Now is my time for reflection, for learning, and understanding.

Blues???

2006-09-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what is wrong today. The past week or so, I have been doing so well; a combo of the drugs (doctor put me on a mild anti-depressant to help combat the stress) and lots of grace from above. Today, I woke up and it seemed as if nothing would go right. Nothing bad, just like a PMS mood, but only post instead.

I should be doing great. My husband actually gave me extra money yesterday, enough so that I don't have to worry about making it this month and I can buy my son the extra clothes he needs for his class trip in November. Great, right? Then why do I feel so sad today?

I know it is a process, and recovery does not happen over night, but ?????

I feel so out of touch with the world. I go to work, come home, grade papers, go to my son's games, come home, grade papers, every once in a while try to take care of the health risks in the house, grade papers, (see a pattern?). I have no life. No, honestly, I have a great life....a strong faith and relationship with God, .the best two kids in the world, great supportive friends, loving parents, a great career that I dearly love, 150 students who most of them love me too, but it is that one missing piece....my best friend, love, partner, that I can not seem to handle. It is like a puzzle you put together, but that one little piece is missing and it messes up the entire picture. I really do miss him. Seeing him almost every day makes it even harder because a part of me still thinks he will be home later. Some days the depth of the pain surprises me, and others I am able to handle it. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier, and to be honest, it has some, but that in itself is heartbreaking as well.

I keep praying for a miracle, but he is so stubborn, the miracle could hit him upside the head and he would not even notice. Why then am I praying for one? Why can't I seem to "get over"? How do you get over your soul mate? The love of your life?

Looking UP

2006-09-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since my last post....you can tell school has started. I don't have nearly as much time on my hands. It was a good week, difficult at times, but overall, things are starting to look up.

We had our faculty retreat Friday and it was wonderful. The air just seemed to be better (more spiritual!). Saturday I went shopping with friends and Sunday I spent most of the day asleep (gross--sinus infection!) No papers got graded this weekend so it means I am still behind.

The boys came back today and they really enjoyed their weekend at the beach with Daddy. The best part, I had a good weekend and although I missed them, I survived just fine. I have come a long way!!!!

I am reading a new book, Fascinating Womanhood, and it is amazing. It is about how we need to adjust ourselves to be more "biblical" in the sense that although we are made to be equal, the husband and wife have different roles to play according to God's plan. So why am I reading it? Well, miracles do happen and I am still praying for one. No, I will not fall a part if it does not happen, I have come too far for that, but I do love my husband and God's will is what I am working on. It if is to be, he will make it happen. If not, he has other plans for me and I will survive the hurt and become a stronger person!

Go me!!!!

I promise to try to do a better job of posting, but this is going to be another crazy week with Athletic board meeting on Tuesday, Open house on Wednesday, a football scrimmage on Thursday, a game on Friday, and then from 7-3 on Saturday, a Jamboree!!! God give me strength!!! Sometimes in all of this I have to work and then grade papers....and let's not talk about laundry, food, and the basics of life!!!

Growing Up

2006-08-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

My thirteen year old son is going to his first real concert tonight. Against my better judgement, I am turning him loose. He will be at a Nickelback concert full of "crazy" people with only his best friend and his friend's two older sisters. It is so hard to let them go. He is growing up and he is doing a great job of it.

This summer has forced both of my boys to mature a little more than I was ready for, but what can you expect given the situation? My oldest is quickly becoming a young man and it will not be long before I blink and he is gone.

The little one has left all traces of the baby behind; I guess it was time, he is nine now. He is becoming a "young" pre-teen....starting to worry about older things, understand the world, and getting ready for puberty!

God help me!!!! I do not have "little" boys anymore, but I am watching them become wonderful, loving young men. I know this is the plan, but at times, it is scary. God give me the grace to get them through!!!!

PS--I wish I was going to the Nickelback concert...they are one of my favorite bands!!! My thirteen year old has more of a social life than I do!!!!! What is the world coming to?

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

2006-08-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

The later half of this week has been okay. But I really hate Sundays! They use to be the best day of the week and now, I just wish they could be skipped. The boys and I got out of the house today after we had lunch with MawMaw (my mother-in-law----I still cook dinner for her every Sunday). We went to the bookstore and hung out for a while and then to Marble Slab Creamy for the best ice cream in the world....butter pecan with nestle crunch bits mixed in a homemade waffle cone.......yum, yum. I can see the pounds coming back. No,that was actually my first ice cream this summer.

Well, it is definitely Indian Summer in Louisiana and HURRICANE Season. We have one tracking for the Gulf Coast and until last night, I thought it would cancel the boys' trip to the beach with their dad, but as of this morning, the path is moving more toward Florida (Sorry guys!). One of my closest friends (from high school, can you believe it?) lives in Tampa, but at least she is not home this week. Bless her heart, her father passed away and she is back in Louisiana for the funeral. It is so hard to deal with loss, but that is one I am not sure I could handle.....well, I am handling this one, sort of....sometimes....so I guess God will get us through the things he needs to, right?

Anyway, back to hurricane season. I actually thought this weekend about what I will do when one comes straight at us....get the plywood up by myself, evacuate with the boys and leave my husband here??? Then clean up and repair all the mess by myself? Every day brings new experiences, things I never dream I would be doing on my own, but here I am, still. I am surviving. My heart may be broken, but the rest of me works (sometimes!!!) and slowly, all things heal.

Gosh, the new medicine must really be working...just kidding. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday......someday they will be sunnidays again! I promise!

Best Things in Life

2006-08-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

My friend, Trisha at Mommy Colored Glasses, recently posted the following questions, which she got from Melody's Sofa. I decided to give them a try since I definitely need to focus on the positive, not the negative!!!

So, here goes:

1. What was the best thing that happened in your life this week? The best thing would have to be two things actually----one my children telling me how much they love me every day; and two, a few nights ago at Parents' Night at school, a bunch of people telling me how great I looked. I have lost 43 pounds over the summer and even at my size, it shows!!! The confidence boost helps!!!

2. What did you learn this week that you couldn’t have learned otherwise? My children are adjusting, some. Matty forgot to call me while at Dad's this morning---which means he was okay enough not to need me....as a mom this hurts, but it means he is okay....that is what I want, right?

3. Who touched your heart unexpectedly? A student sent me a beautiful poem that explains the meaning of the word Guideance----g (god) u and I dance.....she wanted to remind me that I was not alone during this difficult time in my life!

4. Who went out of their way to make you smile this week? Okay, sounds horrible, but a few weeks ago I was venting (really) and I sent a friend an email that said 100's of times "MY HUSBAND IS AN ASS!" The entire screen was full of that line over and over. She sent it back to me this week when he did something not so nice again and hurt me. It made me laugh while I was crying and helped stop the tears!!!

5. What did YOU do to make a difference in someone else’s life? A friend has Lupus and is experiencing major problems. She has had to take a leave of absence from work and it is killing her. I call her everyday on my lunch break to check on her and give her a chance to vent her frustration....she has been there for me all summer.

6. What did you find out you were good at this week? Not anything new, but I have been reminded that I am a good teacher!!!

7. What goal did you make this week? To stop contacting my husband.

8. List 5 people who adore you…. my two sons, my mom, my friends--Sandi, Karen, Sandy, and about 1/2 of my 150 students.

9. List something you are looking forward to…. Football season starting next week....it is a southern tradition and I love the game!!!!!

10. What’s the yummiest thing you had to eat in the last 24 hours? I made angel hair pasta with sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, and spinach in a very light garlic cream sauce for supper....my favorite comfort food!!!

Roller Coasters---Hate'em

2006-08-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I last posted. The peaceful feeling from a week ago has left and I need to figure out how to get it back....I know, the same way I got it the first time.

School started and last week was our first full week. The first week always wears me out. I work all summer, but not standing in front of the class, teaching a full eight hours along with lunch duty, department meetings, mentoring meetings....you get the picture. Friday after school, we went straight from school to the counselor's office, it was the boys first appointment. We had a rough week. With school starting, I caught myself last Monday---I got home from school and set down to check my email. I wondered when Tim would be home and then it hit me, he wouldn't. It was my first day at work and my first day with him not coming home to me after work. It was easy over the summer to "pretend" to a degree, but not now. Tuesday night, Timothy came home from football extremely upset. His father is one of his coaches (on the junior high level it is all parent volunteers!). And of course, my husband is a tough coach....even tougher on his own child so that no one accuses him of playing favorites. In the past, they would come home from practice and "work it out". but now, they can't do that and Timothy came home with all of the hurt and negative feelings still there. I tried to talk to my husband on the phone about how he was feeling, but he did not want to here it from me and when Timothy got on the phone, it was all "yes sir, no sir, it is okay, I am fine, Ilove you too" all the time he is squeezing my hand so hard I had bruises the next day. When he finished the phone conversation with his father, he threw the phone and said "he doesn't understand why football is not fun this year, what is wrong with him?" I told him first of all that he could not throw things in anger and second, he could not disrespect his father. He looked at me and said, "He is disrespecting all of us, why does he deserve respect?" What could I answer to that. If my children were not as smart, I might could put this off, but as it is, I can not fool them. Wednesday and Thursday were better, and Friday night my Mom came down to take Matty shopping and everyone out to dinner for Matty's birthday this past weekend. After our counseling session in which the boys did not open up much, but I know it will take time, we went shopping and out to dinner. By the time we got home, I was so wiped I could hardly walk. The week of standing was tough on my RA, but a friend gave me some medicine until I could get to see a doctor that is helping.

Saturday morning was Matty's birthday party with his school friends and his dad came for about an hour. It is sooooooo hard to sit and "act" normal around him, I really do not know what to do. It hurts so much. We went to mass that afternoon and Timothy had a school dance that evening while matty had a friend to spend the night. I made the mistake of trying to talk to my husband on the phone, when will I ever learn???? The only positive from the conversation was that he agreed to go to counseling for himself. Sunday morning we got up and went with Timothy's youth group skiing. It was a great day. We took Matty's birthday cake with us and celebrated his actual birthday at the lake. If we would have stayed at home and tried to celebrate in the usual way without Daddy, it would have been as miserable as the past two Sundays, where we all three cried.

Monday was not so good. I had words with my husband that evening and then today, he called me at the end of the school day (I still had students in my room but the bell was just ringing) to tell me he wanted to take the boys to the beach for labor day (which is my weekend) and he needed an answer right away. I asked first of all if we could afford that and he said we couldn't but he could....and then I asked him who was going with him and he started "cussing" me...."none of my F...ing business, what kind of a question is that" etc. I met him in the school parking lot to try to talk this out. I am not excited about being without the boys for a holidayweekend of any kind, but i could not deny my boys anything good for them. It was his attitude and lack of respect for me that made me so mad. I told him that I had always given him notice, asked his permission and volunteered the details on the two times I took the boys somewhere this summer and since it was my weekend, he should have asked if I had any plans with them first????

I have to figure out how to "let go". He is not the man he once was; and he most likely will never be that man again. Some men do not survive mid-life crisises and that is the only way I can explain this. My husband was a gentle, compassionate, good man....this person is a bastard and that is the only word that adequately fits his behavior. He blames everything on me, but he actually created this situation and he is unwilling to face anything about it. I don't know who he is, but I don't like him either. It just breaks my heart but I want my husband. Every once in a while, he shows up for just a minute or two and it is just enough to give me hope, but then this monster comes back and I am back in the low parts again.

Ok, grow up Sonja. Get over it. Move on. Be strong. Give it up to God. Do you reallywant someone in your life who disrespects you so much and treats you this way? My friend says I am letting him control my life and I am allowing him to be mean because I accept it. How do I stop?

I am so tired of questioning myself.....of not liking myself. I truly want to move on with my life even if that means being without him. I just don't know how. They have not written the manual for that yet.....maybe I can do it once I figure it all out!!!!!!!!!

Peaceful Day

2006-08-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a sense of peace that I have not felt for a long time. Last night, I completely gave everything to God. This past week I reached the lowest possible place and I knew that I would not be able to survive if I did not. I gave it all. I know this does not mean everything is fixed or that everything will be beautiful and perfect from now on, but I know that I can survive this with his help. Several times today, I had to remind myself, but as long as when I start to have those sad or angry feelings, I immediately turn it over, I will be okay.

His will....not mine.

I enjoyed a day alone without my children.. Yes, I always prefer to have them with me, yes, I would prefer to have my husband with me too, but I had a good day. It is a start in the right direction.

Sunni--permanent now!!!!

2006-08-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit, I am not normal. On one side, I am the epitamy of a 37 year old mom and teacher. One the other side, there is this creature who sees the world a little differently, goes against the norm, and likes to challenge the system (could this be the rebellious teen that never grew up stuck inside??) Anyway, I have always wanted a tattoo. Just a little one, hidden somewhere. I would know it was there, but the rest of the world did not have to. After my counseling appointment today, I met a friend for a drink (the boys are at their dad's for the weekend). We had talked about tattoos and stuff a few weeks ago and well, needless to say, she went with it. She researched and found out the best place to go, and all of the details. After our drink (yes, just one), she said, "let's go." We went to check it out. I did not truly think I would go through with it, but once we got there.....well, long story short, I now have a cute little sun permanently inked on my upper butt check (right at the top of my panties!).

You know what, it feels good. No matter how dark the days can be at times, a tiny little piece of 'Sunni" still exists and always will. I did something I had always wondered about and wanted, but was too "normal" to do. And yes, it hurt! But not so bad. The bad thing.....no long soaks in the tub for two weeks!!!! Oh well, sometimes we have to suffer in order to rise above.

Sunni.....not gone, he did not completely destroy her, she still exists, I have proof!

Epiphany...

2006-08-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

Today at the counselor's office, I had an Epiphany. Last week, we talked about forgiveness. I had said that I could not forgive my husband for not giving us a chance and for what all of this was doing to our boys. The counselor stopped me and said, "Okay Sonja, God says we must forgive, you say you can't, and if you can't, then you will not have his blessings, or help in this." Okay, so I came home to work on how to forgive. No, it is not going to happen right this minute, but I am reading and soul-searching on this. In today's session, we talked about what had happened this week, and I told Allen that I had always believed marriage and the family was scared and holy so how could God let this happen to my family.....then, I looked at him and everything clicked....I have not put God first in my life, my husband and children came first, not God. I know there is a reason and a plan for everything, and this is the reason here. I needed to be brought to my knees to realize that God was not first in my life. Once he is first, then I can receive his blessings. Once he is first, if my marriage being restored is part of his plan, then it will happen. I must trust and leave it up to him. The control-freak must let go and give everything to the one person who actually knows what to do. I keep asking friends what I can do and how do I fix this, but I was asking the wrong friend.

Now, I admit that I have always shied away from strong religious talk because it made me uncomfortable. There is a reason for that. I did not want to face what I was not doing, just like my husband can not face what he is doing.

Counseling can be a wonderful thing.....it truly makes you stop and look inside of you. This is something I need to fix in my life in order to rebuild me. From there, everything else will fall into place.

School, Functioning, and Friends!

2006-08-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today was teacher inservice for school and tomorrow the kids come. Today was very hard for two reasons: 1) everyone I work with wanted to know how things were...so I had to say way too many times today, not good. 2) I have Rheumatoid arthritis and for years it has been more or less in remission...I have not really had many problems with it, but within the past two weeks, it has flared and I mean flared. Sitting for almost eight hours today was more than my body can handle. My knees, ankles, toes, hips, and fingers hurt so bad. I kept getting up and moving around, but nothing worked. Yes, typing hurts, which is one reason my posts have slowed a little this past week. But sometimes we just have to endure the pain.

Why has it flared? I have learned that stress greatly aggravates RA. I have not been to the doctor in YEARS, but my friend, who also has RA, is trying to get me into see her doctor. The flare up scares me because with this disease I can go years with little problems or I could progress and end up crippled quickly. Oh well, then just quit stressing, right?

Tomorrow, I must figure out how to function. I quit trying to get through day by day and have switched to hour by hour. It is working better (sort of). I feel that we are at a crucial crossroads and I must leave this state of limbo soon. I want to leave it and work on my marriage, but something must get through to my husband to open up his heart first. He is really a great man. Anyone who would read this might would think differently, but I truly believe he is for lack of a better word, emotionally sick right now. When we love someone, we can not just leave them when they need us the most. In all of my prayers, I keep getting the answers that I can not give up yet. Maybe I am not interpreting the answers correctly, but I truly feel in my heart that there is hope. My friends are worried about my emotional wellbeing because I am in trouble right now, but I just need to hold on a little longer. I feel strongly that God will let me know when it is time to give up and right now, he keeps giving me these little nudges to try once more. I must have faith and I do....in God, and in my husband.

I do not know what I would do without my wonderful support network of friends. There several who I could not survive without....one is a friend who I have gotten closer to through this...she has experienced a very similar situation in her life years ago, but she did not have kids yet. She is in her second marriage and now has a daughter and two step-daughters. She has rebuilt a wonderful life and she understands exactly how I feel most of the time. Another is a new friend as well....we met through the blogs. She is so supportive and everyday checks on me and leaves me positive reinforcement to get me through. She has her own trials in life, but she is one of the most spiritual and positive people I have ever met. I have three other close friends that make survival possible: one also went through a divorce, but her situation was totally different. We became friends years ago through our kids, but we are very close. She is my buddy that gets me out of the house and makes me join the real world every once in a while. I have another who does that as well. She plans things for us to do when the boys are at their dad's and she keeps me grounded. The last friend I could not survive this without is actually a couple, they were my husband and I's closest friends. Our two families did everything together. The man is actually having a real hard time because he does not want to turn on his friend, but he can not agree with what is happening. The woman is so sweet and kind and is my constant reminder to stay real and focus on my children.

God brings people into our lives for a reason. I am a very blessed woman. Thank you.

Monday

2006-08-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

I guess my mood from yesterday carried over to today. When I woke up this morning, I sat down at the computer to check my email, and a friend had emailed me to check on how I was doing (she does that everyday or calls)! It is not that her email was sad, but I had tears rolling down my checks as I read. Then I saw my husband when he came to pick up the boys, and the mood just stayed with me.

I went to school this morning to do some last minute things in my classroom before we start back Wednesday, and I saw a lot of colleagues who I had not seen since school ended in May. They all commented on how great I looked (weight loss) and then of couse asked how things were going....are we back together, are we working on things......etc. So I got to repeat many times, "No, things are worse; he does not want to work on us, he wants a divorce." It just continued the mood. All of these people care, and I appreciate that, but God it hurts to have to say it over and over.

Everything I read and everyone I have spoken to says that eventually some of this pain will lessen, but I am not sure I will make it until then. On days like today, I really am not sure I will. I got back from school this afternoon around 3:00 and when I walked into the house, I instantly started crying....this lonely house. It is so empty without my husband and when the boys are gone. Don't get me wrong, it always hurts, but when the boys are here, it is a little easier to deal with than when I am all alone. My friend says the next few weeks are going to be really hard for me because I will be starting back to school and for the first time ever, I will come home from work and my husband won't. I will be cooking supper and there will only be three of us instead of four (I really have not done much cooking this summer). Everything we have ever done will be different....our whole routine and lives.

Thursday night is Open House at the boys' school. I serve on the Athletic Board for the school and of course, my husband teaches there. We will both be working in the same room or area for a couple of hours that night....I will have to see him, look at him, and not be with him as well as act like I am fine for all the "world" to see that night. I don't know if I can do this.

I am tired of trying to be strong and yes, although it may not seem like it if you read my posts, I have tried so hard to be strong, but it is just not working.

I don't like this life, I don't want this life, and I don't know how to handle it. I never knew it was possible to hurt this much.

Hardest Days

2006-08-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

Sundays are the hardest days for me. It has always been our family day.....we would go to Mass, come home, have family dinner, usually my mother-in-law would come eat with us and just hang out together.

The boys and I went to Mass this morning, my mother-in-law came for lunch and there was an empty seat everywhere--in Mass, at the table, and now in the living room where the boys are hanging out with their grandmother.

My poor mother-in-law is 76 and is having a hard time accepting what is going on. Her husband left her when my husband was 14. He passed away a few weeks ago, and she still feels the pain of everything that happened between them 24 years ago.

In two weeks it will be three months since my husband moved out. And yes, we are getting use to it, but we are not really doing any better.

I had to stop for just a few minutes because my youngest was screaming at his brother for no reason....the mood swings are here again. They come and go with him. When I walked into the room, he grabbed me and just started crying. The three of us sat on the couch together until he got it all out of his system. My oldest slept with me last night, again. He came into my room about 10:30, and just climbed into the bed with me. He realized last night around 10:30 that he had not talked to his dad all day, so he called him. After he talked to him, he came and got into bed with me. He did not want to talk about anything, he just wanted to feel safe.

My heart is breaking....there is no way I can force my husband to open up. I know we are not the only people in the world to go through this, but I truly never believed we would.

Yes, we will heal, but will we ever be the same? Better? I truly do not see how.

Forgiveness....Time...Homework???

2006-08-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a little calmer this week...it is funny how things change. I left Tuesday morning with a friend to take our kids to Galveston and Schlitterbaun (spelling?). The boys really enjoyed it. We got back Thursday afternoon and the boys went to their dad's for the night. I went out with friends and enjoyed myself. It was a nice, safe evening with adult company...something I miss greatly. No, it is not the same as having my husband with me, to talk to, to sit with, or even to enjoy the silence with...we were actually capable of doing that.

Friday, I had an appointment with the counselor. Before the appointment, I met an old friend (we use to work together, but have only seen each other two or three times in the past seven years and we only live about 45 minutes apart...sad!). Anyway, we met for lunch and caught up on everything that has been happening in our lives. She made an interesting statement about my marriage.....one reason it is so hard for her to believe what has happened to us is that although my husband and I are completely different in personality, we had the same world view, the same value system, and that made our differences complement each other. To me, it is very sad that two people who actually fit so well together could not make it work...but actually, we were not given the chance.

Back to the counselor----Allen told me Friday that I made a very important statement in our last session and he wanted to address it....I said I could forgiven my husband for the emotional affair, the mean things he has said, but that I could not forgive him for refusing to work on our marriage and therefore taking away any chance we had and I could not forgive him for what he is doing to our boys with the destruction of our family unit. This is important because I have reached the angry stage of the greiving process and sometimes I am very bitter. I have always been a very positive, happy person and I DO NOT want to turn into this bitter, angry man-hating woman. Allen says I will be stuck here until I learn how to forgive my husband. God can not give me blessings if I am disobeying one of his most important commandments. "...forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..." I say this prayer every day. I know the importance of forgiveness, but I admit it has always been one of my shortcomings as a person. To help myself heal and to help my boys heal, I must learn how to forgive. This is going to be my most difficult task thus far.

How do you forgive someone who has literally destroyed your life as you know it? This week, when he drove up to pick up the boys, I did not cry when they drove away for the first time almost three months. I actually just feel this numbness with maybe a little anger. The only time I have talked to my husband this week was Wednesday night and it was not really very nice. My youngest son cried Wednesday several times amongst all of the fun we were having because it was the first time in his life (he will be nine in two weeks) that he has done something "familyoriented" without his entire family. The one thing we had perfected was being a family unit. The four of us did everything together. Anyway, several times doing the day he called his dad on my cell phone to tell him what was happening. Each time he only got his voice mail. When he cried late in the afternoon, I called my husband and left a voice mail that was a little ugly. He had told me the previous weekend that our boys were going to be fine and they might even be better off. Yes, I realize in some people's lives divorce is an improvement, but we literally had an almost perfect life until four months ago. We never fought in front of the kids, and rarely at all. We did everything together and had a lot of fun together. We enjoyed being together. Our kids actually like to spend time with us. We were good at finding inexpensive things to do as a family........anyway......Finally, my son talked to his dad late that evening and told him how much fun he had. That night, when it was time to go to sleep, he cried and cried. I had to rock him, rub his head, and sing to him. After he was asleep I called my husband. I told him that if he truly believed our boys were going to be okay, he was so wrong. He was ugly to me and "did not want to talk about it or deal with me".....the story of our lives since the day he moved out (which was supposed to be a temporary move so he could get hisself together...yeah, right!!!).

Since then, I have only had two brief conversations with him and neither of them were personal. I think he may have gotten an idea of exactly what this means as far as his time with the boys yesterday though. We have been pretty much splitting the week and every other weekend all summer. It seems like the boys are constantly packing a bag. Our oldest (13) son told me a few weeks ago that when school started, he wanted to do just one set night a week at his dad's and every other weekend. I told my husband at the time and he said okay, we'll talk about it closer to school. Well, when I emailed him about arrangements for this upcoming week, he expressed concern about the new schedule because on my weekends, it will mean he will go an entire week without seeing the boys (or rather them staying with him because he teaches at their school, he will at least "see" them everyday). He wanted to ask the boys to stay for two nights on those weeks. I told him I would prefer to ask them since they are not capable of being completely honest about their feelings with him, and he actually agreed to let me talk to them instead of him (although he keeps telling me that they are fine because they never say anything negative to him when he tries to talk to them). So, last night I sat down with them and said that Daddy was worried about the schedule cause it would mean they would have to go a whole week without seeing each other. The boys want to keep the schedule the way they decided....they said if they see that they want more time, then they will tell me. I asked them if their father had asked about increasing the number of nights would they have agreed even if they did not really want to just to keep from hurting his feelings and they both said, "probably so."

Isn't that sad? Let's face it, he sat them down and told them that he loved mommy and that mommy and daddy were going to do their best to fix things. Four days later he sat them down and said he was moving out. Then two weeks later, he said he did not love me and wanted a divorce. How do you think that translates to kids???? If I am honest with daddy, he might stop loving me too. My poor husband has everything shut down he does not realize exactly what he is doing to them, me or himself. How do you help someone who is "sick" when they don't want help?

All I can do is help myself and the boys right now. My counselor is going to start seeing the boys with me next week. They are not happy about it because they do not want to talk about the situation with anyone but me, and then not very much, but because of how they are holding things in, I need to at least make sure they are okay.

Fears

2006-08-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

I think the Thirteen Thursdays list just about covers the major fears for now!!!!

I am sure there will be more later as I progress on this journey.

2006-08-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

Thirteen Things that scare me the most about being single, again

**This is my first Thirteen Thursdays list, so I will start my list with where I am now in my life. I promise that later, hopefully, my lists will be more positive.

1…. Raising my boys by myself, at least when they are with me---ultimately being the "main parent."
2. Being alone when the boys are at their dads---I have never been comfortable with long periods of "alone" time.
3. No one being there for me. When I come home from work and need someone, there is no one to give me a hug, back rub, or even a positive comment. Yes, my boys will definitely give me the hugs, but it is not "exactly" the same...they do not quite understand the "real" world yet, but they are learning fast.
4. Feeling like a failure. I could not make my marriage work, what does that say about me?
5. Climbing into bed every single night alone.
6. The idea of dating again someday makes me want to climb under my bed and hide for the rest of my life.
7. My husband stopped loving me, so why should anyone else?
8. Not having enough money, there was never enough to begin with, but now????
9. My husband finding someone else, permanently. He already found someone else emotionally, but he has also decided he did not want her any more either. How will I handle seeing him with another woman when it is supposed to be me by his side?
10. Holidays, birthdays, Oh My God!!! I now have to split or share or miss the most important days in our family life!
11. My boys choosing to live with Dad someday instead of me.
12. Teaching my boys how to have a good marriage, how to work on your problems instead of running or hiding when their dad did exactly that and he is their ultimate male role model.
13. Trying to figure out who I am without my husband since we have been together since I was eighteen and I am now 37!

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. LaShawn

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See Tag Run

2006-08-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Trisha at http://baileyandsophie.blogspot.com/ tagged me and wants to see what I have! Well, here goes.

!1. When did you first start blogging and why? I started blogging in June. My husband and I separated in May after seventeen years of marriage, and several friends (and the counselor) suggested I start journaling to help me get through all of my feelings. I am a modern girl so the idea of sitting down with a pen and paper just did not cut it and to be honest, I was worried about my boys finding it and reading things they really should not about their father (I will not say anything negative about him in front of them or at least I try really hard not to!)

2. What don't you talk about? R ight now, the only thing I have not done is use our names on the blog. I guess their is a part of me that is afraid of someone who knows me reading too much about me. We live in Small Town, USA and my husband and I are both teachers at the schools here in town and everyone knows everyone here, and since my husband's emotional affair was with a co-worker, everyone all ready knows tooooooo much of our business. I share my thoughts and feelings with my friends who really care, but there are a lot of people who only want something to gossip about and I refuse to give them anything more.

3. Are you and your blogging persona the same person? My blogging persona is the person I am at this moment. As Trisha said, what you see is what you get. Sometimes I am doing okay, sometimes I am angry, and sometimes I am devastated. Is this persona the real me? Well, it is not the person I was just four months ago, and it is not the person I hope to be at the end of this journey, but maybe it is a good combination of all three of "my personas."

4. How do you use blogging to build friendships? To be honest, when I started it was not about friendships for me. It was an outlet for my pain and fears, etc. But, this really cool person happened to find my blog one day, and left me a comment and invited me to check her blog. I did. Her blog brought back so many memories for me of what it has been like raising my kids...they are now 13 and almost 9. It brought back good memories of our famiy, my husband and I together with the boys. I left her a comment, and everything evolved from there. I look forward to seeing what she is up to each day and she always leaves me positive reinforcement no matter what my mood is that day. Her friendship has really helped me this summer.

Okay, I admit I have not checked out too many blogs, so I do not have any other blogging friends besides Trisha, so back at you Trisha!

Coming soon....fears! Ugh!!

2006-07-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

The last step in my homework for this week is to list my fears for us (the counselor and I) to discuss when I go on Friday. Another thing I have had a problem doing this week. But, I am leaving tomorrow morning and will return on Thursday evening. When I get back, I will write that list.

A good friend of mine is taking her kids and me and my kids to Schlitterbahn for two days. She is footing most of the bill because I just don't have the money! It was very difficult for me to allow this to happen, but another thing I have learned during the past two months is that I am not superwoman, I can not do everything, and I sometimes NEED help.

This little trip will be very good for the boys! School starts in a week and they could use some fun! They have spent this summer in hell right along with me and they need to unwind as well. When we get back on Thursday, my oldest son starts football practice. This sounds horrible, but anyone who has an understanding of the sport will get this.....he is excited about practicing football with full pads on even though it will be 100 degrees in the shade because he gets to hit people. He has a lot of anger and frustration to work out and he loves his daddy too much to do it on him. (It is important to know that he is an extremely gentle and mild-mannered young man.....violence except in sports is not in his nature....even in sports he has a hard time being "tough!")

Yes, my husband thinks the boys will be perfectly fine....he even said they may be better off....I will save this idiotic comment for another post. It would take too long to get into it now.

Be back Thursday!

Taking Back Control a Little at a Time

2006-07-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today I took back control of my life. Well, maybe not full control, but I made a tiny little step (or two) in what could be the right direction. My van needed new brakes before I go out of town this week (they started really making this funny grinding noise this weekend). I called my husband to ask if I could borrow one of his vehicles (he recently inherited his father's brand new truck in addition to the car we owned). He said he would help me get the van to the shop and then let me use the car (since it is half mine...isn't that nice?). Anyway, I was not looking forward to riding the fifteen minutes in the car with him, so I was at school first thing this morning for a quick meeting and one of the other teachers volunteered to help me get the van there.

When we were finished, I called him to come pick me up at school. He asked why I did not wait for him to bring the van in and I just said, "Well, this worked out." I only had to spend about three minutes in the car with him while we switched vehicles and then we went our separate ways. I would not have worried about having a car today but the boys had orthodontist and dentist appointments and we had a list of errands a mile long to get ready for tomorrow.

This afternoon when my van was ready, I asked a friend to meet me at my husband's apartment to return his car and then take me to get the van. When I knocked on his door to give him the key, he said, "Okay, let me get my other keys and we can go get the van." I told him, "That is okay, [my friend] is taking me." He got this really confused look on his face. My friend was not quite there yet, so as I was starting to walk away, he said well come in and wait for her here, it is too hot outside. I stepped inside his apartment, and realized I did not want to do that. I told him no thank you. He said for me sit down and wait. I looked at him and said I know you think everything can be fine and you act like we can just be good buddies, but I don't need a friend, I need my husband. I love you too much to be just your friend and act like nothing is wrong. You don't want to work on this marriage, and I must learn to take care of myself and not "need you" for anything. I told him thank you for letting me use the car and walked out. He grabbed his keys and his bills he needed to go pay and followed me outside. I told him he could go ahead, he did not need to stand there and wait with me. He said he could not just leave me there by myself, and I said, "Why not, you had no problem leaving me in our home alone??" He just looked at me as my friend drove up.

Okay, nothing major, but a week ago, I would have sat down on his (our) couch and then started begging him to give us a chance...hell, yesterday I probably would have, but today, I refused. I did not email him anything about us and I have not spoken to him on the phone other than to arrange the car situation. Yeah, a positive step forward.

Now, the other step toward taking control of my life is that I made an appointment with an attorney. God, that was hard. My counselor said he knows I do not want a divorce and he does not want to see us get one because he believes from the three times he saw my husband that there is something left, but my husband is not giving me a choice in this matter and filing for divorce is most likely the step I need to move forward instead of sitting here in limbo waiting for my husband. That is what I do...every day when I wake up, I say this is the day he will come to his sense and agree to give us a chance and I go about trying to make that happen. Only it never does. Today, I did not wake up thinking that. Today, I woke up saying today is the day I will not ask, beg, or cry.....and I have not. Tiny little baby steps, but every step is a move in the right direction...the one of rebuilding my life!

Worthy Qualities

2006-07-31T20:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, the counselor said I have buried my feelings of self-worth, just as my husband has buried his feelings. My homework for this week is to list my good points, and then to repeat them to myself at least ten times per day. Well, to be honest, I have struggled with this all week. But, after a gentle reminder from my friend at http://baileyandsophie.blogspot.com/, and some serious thinking, I have begun my list, so here goes:

I AM....

nurturing
loving
honest
loyal
kind
compassionate
funny (sometimes)
responsible
THE BEST MOMMY EVER!!!! (this one is from my thirteen year old--gosh, I need to take his temperature!!!)
positive
happy
adventurous
faithful
spiritual
smart
creative (sort-of)
a good friend
a great teacher (no, all of my students would not agree!)
set high standards for myself
down-to-earth
definitely not fake
crazy and fun-loving---life is too short to be bored!

Okay, a decent list. Yes, I know I am a good person. I know I have self-worth, but sometimes in life, things make us forget that. I will post my other homework later!!!!

So, question....if I am so damn good, why does my husband refuse to work on our marriage????? Good question. No, I a

Not a poet

2006-07-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

I am not a poet,but as I sat and tried to write a list of my worthy qualities, this came out instead.

a light from within brightly shining
happiness, love, and laughter
bubbled forth and overflowed

a tender caress, a gentle smile
the warmth of your hand in mine
caused a quickening within

green eyes sparkling with laughter
hugs that told what really mattered
the smell of you lingering everywhere

the light went out, the flow stopped
all warmth is gone, there is no sparkle,
no tender touch, the smell has faded

only the memories remain
and they are not enough

Sunday, Again????

2006-07-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

How did it get to be Sunday again? Where has this week gone? It has been a week since my last post. I have not been able to put the words together well enough to put them here. I have said many times that my marriage is over, so why can't I deal with that? Yes, it came as a shock to me...literally overnight. But, it has been almost three months. It is time to get my act together. But I truly do not know how to let go after all of this time because I believed we were good and still could be.

The counselor told me on Friday that my husband is not really giving me a choice. He has been in complete control of my life since May (actually before that but I did not know). It is time for me to take back control of my life, but how?

I am sitting here and I honestly can not get the words out. I do not even know which direction to go.

The counselor gave me homework....I am to list my fears and all of my good qualities. Right now, I can not even do that....the fears, yes I know, but I can not put them on paper. The good qualities? What good qualities? Yes, I know I have some, somewhere, but I honestly feel so empty that I can not come up with anything positive to say. Does loving my children count? No, these are supposed to be about me....

Well, I guess I will have to work on it some more....do some thinking if I can get this brain to work. God help me, school starts in a week...I will be expected to bring the brain with me only I can not find it right now. Think I can fake it?

Sunday Morning

2006-07-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here this morning knowing that I am facing another day of wondering aimlessly around, not being able to focus on anything, and at the end of the day, I will wonder where it went. My heart is in my throat this morning, beating a hundred miles an hour. I want to go to my husband's apartment, sit him down and talk to him. I know I need to give him time, but God, I just do not know how much more I can take.

At the funeral yesterday, most of his family knows about our situation and those that did not learned while there I am sure. Yesterday, two of my husband's cousins came up to me and one told me that he was so proud of me. "You have been amazing the past two days. Anyone looking at you would not know the grief that you feel right now, because you have been grieving your marriage ever since you separated. If you truly love [your husband], don't give up. You two have always been great together, and after thirty-one years of marriage I can tell you it is not always easy, but it is worth it." After the service, another one told me that during Father's homily, he wanted to reach back and hug me...Father talked about keeping the faith, not giving up....and he said it made him think of me because I told them when asked about what was happening between us that I was not giving up. His cousin told me he wished his wife had felt that way, they might have been able to make things work. He is happily remarried now, but isn't it sad to have those regrets and not have tried???

God gave me the grace I needed to survive the past few days. He kept me in control (most of the time). I need his help in surviving now, I need the grace to get through today, and the grace to sit down with my husband and talk rationally without begging and crying. God, I just need him to take the chance. Yes, it could be painful, it could be horrible, but oh my goodness, it could be so wonderful.

My blog is titled Sunnidays because my family and friends have always called me Sunni...that is my nickname. It truly fit the person I was before, but to be honest, there is not much sunshine in my life right now. I try to fake it at times, but I have never been good at faking what I was feeling....you always know my mood and how I feel...I am an open book.

I tried to go to sleep last night, but I lay there tossing and turning. At 12:15, something made me get up and pray. I sat there for an hour, saying my prayers to God, St. Anthony--Patron saint of lost things or missing persons, St. Andrew (the apostle)-patron saint of marriage, and to St. Rita, my favorite saint, the patron of seemingly impossible causes. When I finished, I feel peaceful, and was able to sleep. What made me get up at that time and pray? God? I prayed for my husband, for peace, and for a chance to work on this marriage.

That is all I ask, a chance. I do not expect any promises, any guarantees. I have always believed we make our own. If he can find a way to take a chance on us, we can do the rest. God will help us, and we will help ourselves.

My new blogging friend posted a comment on my last entry, "I think this is one of the times that you have to close your ears to the noise around you so you can hear your own heart." I am shutting out the noise, my heart tells me there is hope. My heart tells me that my husband, our marriage, our family, and our life together is worth the pain of the past few months, the pain we face if we try to work on this, and the glory that could be waiting at the end.

The Most Difficult Two Days of My Life

2006-07-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

I thought nothing could be harder than dealing with our separation, but the past two days have been more than I ever imagined. My husband's father passed away Thursday morning and for the past two days, I have been at the funeral home with my husband, as his wife. I wanted to be there with him to support him and to take care of him because I know this is a very difficult time for him in addition to everything we have been facing the past few months. It was so hard to be his wife and then at the end of the day, go to separate houses. I wanted to be there to hold him in the middle of the night when he could not sleep, to help him in what ever way he needed. Maybe I did in some way.

The night before his father died, I gave my husband a letter asking him to give us the next six months to one year to truly work on our marriage before we call it quits. We have not gotten to discuss this because of what has happened, but we must within the next few days. I wish I could give him more time to grieve without having to face our problems, but it all comes together at the same time.

Why six months to a year? First of all, everything I have read and everyone I have spoken with says it takes that long to adjust your life. Second, we can not afford to run two houses. It will take six months to one year to probate my father-in-law's will. At that time, my husband will have enough money to pay off our bills if he chooses and take care of the boys. If we are still apart, money will always be tight, but together, the money would allow us to live a more comfortable, less stressful life.

I truly feel that this marriage can be saved. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort if we can make it to the other side. But I can not force my husband to feel or agree to anything he does not want to. I am not living in a fantasy world, I know that if he comes home, it will be very difficult and awkward at first, but through time, counseling, and love, we can change things. The only problem is that the decision to give us this chance rests completely in his hands and there is nothing I can do about it.

To me, you just don't give up on nineteen years without trying. What is six months or one year of our lives when you think about the past nineteen or even the next thirty or forty? It seems a small price to pay for the possiblity of something beautiful and even stronger at the end. Even if it does not work, it would be worth the effort. I do not want to spend the rest of my life asking "What if?" The serenity quote I posted yesterday or the day before says something about being one step away from something....I truly feel we are one step (okay, maybe a few, but..) away from making a better life together. I don't want to give up without taking that step or at least putting every last drop of life I have into trying to take it.

My in-laws separated when my husband was 14, twenty four years ago and they never divorced. My father-in-law has lived with another woman for at least 20 years. Today he was buried in the tomb where my mother-in-law will someday be buried, next to their son who passed away years ago. Apart for all of those years just to come back together at the end? I have watched her deal with her grief for the nineteen years that I have known her and I watched her these past few days, filled with strong feelings even after all of these years. I do not want to be like them....they never gave their lives together a chance and spent the rest of their lives regretting in some way what had happened to them.

I want a chance to know.....one way or the other. My oldest son says he does not want his father to come home and then leave again, but he feels it is worth that possible hurt if there is a chance he might stay. So do I.

The past few days, the man in front of me has been my husband...kind, sweet, caring. My son even looked at me Thursday night and said, "Momma, that was my daddy today. I haven't seem him for a long time." Yes, my sons have spent time with their father every few days since we separated. They talk to their daddy several times every day. He is very much so there for them, but he meant that his father has been different, and on Thursday, he saw the man he knew before this separation, even though he was a sadder man, he was still the man we know and love. That man has not been around for a while.

It is scary how much hope it gives me--seeing a glimpse of my husband and not this stranger I have been facing for the past few months--yes we all change, and I realize some changes are permanent, but I know that all changes do not have to be negative, especially if we are going through them together, changing together, and growing together; I know I am opening myself up for even more pain, but if there is a chance, I can not ignore it. He is worth me taking that chance, for myself, for us, and for our family.

I do not believe it is God's will for this family to be broken. I believe he has a lesson for us to learn, but that if my husband can only open his heart, we can learn it together. I am praying for his will to be done. Please God, help us take the right step on our path. Please be with my husband. Help him through this difficult time.

Serenity

2006-07-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

A friend sent this to me yesterday.
Serenity Found:
It is too easy to believe we are at the end of the line when it is only the beginning. One more step, one more effort may be all that is needed. It would amaze us if we knew how close we are to stepping past an old barrier--and it would shake us to know how close we came to quitting. Some would say it is too late--that too much has happened, we cannot go back and recapture what was lost. We have destroyed too much, bent the twig too far. And so it is true in some things. It is true that we have hurt and been hurt. We can't go back, but the spiritual basis on which we stand can lift us up. Sometimes we have to sift our own lives to see what is worth saving, and then we find the Great Spirit made us. What He made is good and we should not let it go to waste. It is the time to turn over a new leaf to rediscover Divine connections.
---From A Cherokee Feast of Days by Joyce Sequichie Hifler (March 12)

Father-In-Law

2006-07-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law passed away this morning. They said it was very peaceful. Please pray for my husband and our family. Thanks.

Tuesday, A new day

2006-07-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Monday did not go so well. No, I did not initiate contact, but we definitely had contact and there was nothing peaceful about it. Today I woke up and swore I would not talk to him at all. And since it is 9:30 at night, I can most likely assume I have been successful. It was hard though.

We learned this weekend that Hospice has taken over his father's care and he will most likely not live through the week or next week. He is in bad shape. His kidneys are shutting down and he is comatose most of the time. I took the boys to see him yesterday to say goodbye and it was very difficult. This will be so hard on my husband and I wish I could be there to support him, but he does not want my support right now.

This will of course shut him down even more. I sat in the bath last night, unable to breathe, and experienced my first ever panic attack. I literally thought I was dying. That is what pushed me to make myself stick to the no contact rule. I can not handle any more emotional stress. I have to get myself and my life together. I was doing really well until Friday, but I slid really badly this weekend. Today is the first day that I can say I even half-way functioned. My head and my heart have been battling this past few months and I think I am finally starting to listen to my head. No matter how much I know it is possible and want to fix this marriage, I can not do it. He is adamant that it is over and he wants NOTHING to do with me. In order to survive this, I must let go 100%, even at one of the most difficult times in his life.

I feel cheated in a way because I can not be with my father-in-law and my family, because let's face it, they have been my family too for over seventeen years, but I can not be there. It will make it worse for my husband and to be honest, myself.

I am praying for him, but that is all I can do at this point. I have to turn on the selfishness for the first time in my life and put myself first. It is a strange experience, but it is necessary for my own survival.

Monday Morning--New Week, New Day

2006-07-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day. I will not worry about what is going to happen tomorrow; I can not do anything about yesterday. I will focus on today. I will focus on being positive; I will not initiate contact with my husband today. I will have a peaceful day.

Sliding Down the Mountain

2006-07-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

My husband came over Saturday morning to pick up the boys and he was fixing the dishwasher while he was here. Seeing him here was so hard, so normal, I went back to my bedroom to compose myself so I would not loose it in front of the boys. He followed me, and held me while I cried. He cried too. Of course, I had to ruin the moment with my mouth....started talking. He told me he did not mean the things he had said to me the day before. That he was truly sorry for all of this but there was nothing he could do. The man before me was my husband....kind, compassionate, gentle, and loving. When he held me, the tears stopped. I felt safe, secure, and loved.

But by the evening, when the boys called me, and I asked him a simple question, the newer version was back. Of course, the question was about when we were going to get together to go over our financial mess, but nevertheless, the angry, cold man was back.

He called me after Mass today. They have stopped his father's treatments, and hospice is taking over his care. It will not be long. He wanted to bring the boys home early so he could go visit his father. I had planned to take the boys to see their grandfather tomorrow...I have done this a few times since we separated. I could tell he was sad, of course, but he was holding it all in as much as possible. Why is it men will not let themselves experience their emotions? Of course, I just wanted to hold him and try to make it all better but I am not allowed that option right now. The one thing he does not want is for me to hold him. I no longer make him feel better. This is going to be very difficult for him and for now, I can help him best by leaving him alone. He knows where I am.

The past three days have put me right back at the bottom of the mountain I am trying to climb. I cried all day and night Friday, Saturday morning, and now just the least little thing makes me loose control. I find myself wandering aimlessly around the house, unable to focus on anything. I can not eat. In the past three days, I have eaten one tiny slice of pizza (a friend made me yesterday,) and six graham cracker sticks. I am not hungry (don't worry, I will not blow away anytime soon....I would have to loose a lot more than 39 lbs for that to happen!).

I keep saying that I know my marriage is over and I do. But it does not stop me from missing him, or wanting him to come home and give us a chance. Our life together was not bad....there were few negatives about it from where I sat. But apparently, for him, it was. Was I blind? Am I really that stupid, that I never knew what was happening?

The first step in rebuilding is denial, I have faced that one. The second is facing your fears. I think that will take a little more time. And then I must adapt. But first, those fears....where do I start?

No Counselor...No Marriage

2006-07-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

My husband called or I called him, I honestly can not remember today and I asked him again why he wanted to go to the counselor today. I had asked a few of my questions that I wanted to cover today earlier and he never answered. I told him that honestly I did not think he was going to answer me today, so what was going on here? H got mad, I got emotional, and we ended up with me giving him a long tirade on my feelings about all of this and of course, he is calm, cold, and collected the whole time. He honestly told me that he feels NOTHING for me and that he misses NOTHING about me since he moved out two months ago. Funny, three days before he moved out he said he loved me more than life itself, could not live without me, and wanted to fix this marriage. Well, let's just say he changed his mind. So needless to say, after our disasterous phone conversation, he refused to go to the counselor with me. I suggested he go since he is the one who has all these things that have happened and he feels nothing about any of them, since he is the one who keeps saying "I don't know". I have no idea if he went or not. Either way, it will change nothing for me.

My husband is emotionally handicapped....in that he can not deal with emotional issues. Any major problems he has ever experienced in his life, he has hide from until they went away or someone fixed it for him. He walked out the door, turned some magic button and shut everything off. He says I have it all figured out and he just does not know, right now. I asked what he meant by right now....he said who knows what I will feel in six years. Like I could wait that long without going crazy. He accused me last week of wanting a quick fix because I want to do something to work on us, but actually he wants the quick fix. He wants to get a divorce which although not easy, is much easier than the sacrifices and energy it will take to rebuild our marriage into something stronger and better. Someone told me that most likely everything he says to me, he probably means to himself; it is just easier to take it all out on me.

No, my marriage is over. I have realized that I think since the day he walked out because we have always vowed that we would never leave. You stay and work. Since he chose to leave, I think deep in my heart I knew what he wanted, but I did not understand why or how it happened. I still don't. It is okay, I don't have a choice. I am not in denial anymore--I know it is over. I don't like it, but I only have one choice....and I am taking it. I am working on me. I will survive. It hurts, it most likely always will. I feel like something really beautiful, not perfect, but really beautiful has died and I must grieve.

1st Baby Step--I did it!!!!

2006-07-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, it is midnight, and Cinderella is home from the ball. I took my first baby step....I went out with friends tonight. I actually went inside a club without my husband for the first time in nineteen years! And I survived and I had a great time.

I went to dinner with a girlfriend and afterwards we met a couple who I have been friends with for a long time at a club they go to. They have taken dance lessons and they go most Thursday nights around 8 to dance with their friends (8 at a club, yes we are older--my students don't hit the clubs until around 11 or later--thank God, I would not want to run into them there!). They have asked me several times to go in the past month, but I just was not ready for that step. Tonight I took it. It was safe, low-key, and I had a great time. The group that meets there every week to dance is about twenty people ranging from mid-twenties to seventies. They are all very nice people. A couple of guys that my friend's boyfriend works with came as well. We sat and talked, we dance, we laughed, and of course, we had a few drinks (two chocolate martinis---perfect drink combo!!!)

I have always loved to dance. No, I am not good at it, but that has never stopped me. My husband hated to dance and would not do it. In the past seven years the only people I have danced with are my students when I am chaperoning a school dance or my sons. It was nice just to dance with the group, and sit and watch the others who have so much talent. As soon as my finances get straightened out, I am going to take dance lessons. I asked my husband to do that several times, but he was not interested. It definitely goes on my list for my new life!
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With newly separated woman most likely on the road to a divorce , what is the topic of discussion .....our situation. Actually I told my friend I did not want to talk about my husband or my messed up marriage tonight. I wanted to have fun. And I did great. I had one really weak moment when they played "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. My husband use to sing that song to me and hearing it brought tears to my eyes BUT they did not fall. I stopped myself. Of course, that did not stop all of us from talking about the most important things in our lives---our kids. Let's face it, mid thirties to forties, that is our life for most of us.

Yes, I have a long way to go in this rebuilding process, but I have realized and tonight reinforced it for me that I will be okay. I love my husband, but sometimes, we can not always have things the way we want. I will survive this and I will be a stronger, better person for having lived through this experience. No, my life is not heading in the direction I thought it would, but that does not mean the direction it is taking will be a completely negative one.

I took the first baby step on the journey to rebuilding my life. I am a woman still, I am worthy, and I will have a life again someday.

Confused Doesn't Begin to Describe Me

2006-07-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

I told my husband on Monday that he wins! (if you want to call it winning). I give up, not necessarily on him, but on fighting him to save our marriage. The fight is destroying me. I have already written about how he talks to me, the words and voice that he uses, and his "coldness". I know these are defense mechanisms and that he is not intentionally trying to hurt me, but nevertheless, that is exactly what he is doing. In order to protect what is left of me so that I can raise my boys, I need to move on from him because it has not seemed that he wanted to work on or save our marriage.

Today, he tells me he wants to go to the counselor's appointment this week that has been scheduled for several weeks. I truly did not expect him to go. But what exactly does it mean that he wants to go? My first question is why, but I am so proud of myself because I did not ask it. I am so completely confused and in the dark here and I think, no I know, that is one of my main problems. I am the type of person who does not truly like surprises unless they are realllllllllllllly good ones, can we say "control-freak"! Yes, I openly admit it. Other than God, why should I put my life in the hands of someone else? Why should I let someone else control my destiny? My fate? No thank you. Look where I am now, I thought I was in control, but to a degree, my husband has always had control over my life because he holds myheart. I never realized how scary that concept was before now because I trusted him. Right now, I can not trust him at all. Once upon a time, I thought I knew exactly how he would react or act in any given situation, but all of that is turned upside down now. I have no clue what he will do, what he is doing, or what he is thinking. I realize how little we really know the people in our lives.

Scary, very scary. Yes, I know there is a great man in there. He is loving, kind, generous, compassionate, and I could go on forever, but something has happened to that man. He is like an injured animal...fighting everyone who tries to help him. Will he heal and come out of his "cave"? Who knows?

In the meantime, I must and will go on with my life. If he comes out, and if there is room for him in my life at that point (whenever it may be), we will see where things are. Right now, I am not counting on anything but myself and of course, the love of my boys. The life I see for myself right now is just one of survival, but if I can survive long enough, I will be able to start living again.

I heard a great quote on a movie last night, in life the only thing required is to be present......live in the moment, and participate in your life, don't let it pass you by. I will participate in live. I will not sit here and let it pass me by. No I am not delusional enough to think it will be easy, but nothing worth having ever is (ask any woman who has ever given birth!)!!!!!

"Not Ready to Make Nice"

2006-07-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was feeling very low as anyone can tell from my post. Someone sent me a wonderful comment that really helped pick me up: "You can't know true happiness without knowing rock bottom, gut wrenching pain. This whole situation has obviously left you heartbroken but don't let it break you completely. Don't know if it will help, but come by my blog ...and relax a little, laugh a little and know someone cares." It helped a lot. I stopped by this person's blog and in a post they had written about things that were "oddly therapeutic." One was a song I had never heard (not a huge fan of country music)...Not Ready to Make Nice by Dixie Chicks. I looked up the song on Yahoo Music and oh my goodness, I have a new favorite song.

The words to the song, the words my husband spoke last night, this stranger's words, and everything seemed to click....I am tired of fighting for a marriage that I seem to be the only person who wants it; I am tired of being put down, told it is all my fault (basically), and tired of hurting. So, I am going to join the world of the living again. I am not going to talk to my husband unless it is mandatory and related to issues with our boys. I am not going to allow myself to be put down or made to feel worthless. Yes, I realize I will have weak moments, everything is not going to improve instantly. But, today I begin to slowly, truly adjust to my new life.

I have made plans to go out to dinner with a girlfriend Thursday evening while the boys are at their dad's and after dinner, we will join a group of friends at a local club for dancing and drinks. No pickups, no men, just a group of friends who like to cut loose and have a good time....safe, fun, living. It is about time. They have asked me every week for the past month and I keep saying, no, I can't do that. But, now I can.

It is funny because my boys and I spent the weekend with my parents and my mom and I went shopping. We hit a couple of really great shoe sales (Yes, I have a shoe fetish...what woman doesn't!) and of couse, Momma spoiled me. These shoes are all what my teen-age son called "sexy" shoes, not my overweight, married forever, boring school teacher usuals! Cute wedges, hot red spikes, strappy sandals with a heel (imagine that!).....Momma says I need a "new" look to go with the weight I have lost recently....38 pounds and counting....everything is toning up except this damn stomach...oh well, it will get there. I look better, I feel better. I will be better.

No, I don't want to meet anyone, no it is WAY too soon for something like that. It will be nice just to go out, feel like an adult, and let loose. Not go crazy, just slowly step into the adult world of living, functioning people. God, that is scary. For the past nineteen years, I have been no where without my husband. Oh well, there have been a lot of firsts this past two months and there will be many more to come.

No, I am not ready to make nice. There are many things that I am unable to forgive right now. Someday, yes. Not now, it still hurts too much. Will we fix this marriage? Not the way things look right now....he just does not want too. Will we ever be able to be friends? I doubt it. There was too much history, and too much hurt. Will we be able to be civil and handle each other decently for the boys sake? I hope so. Yes, I sound like it is over, but that is what he has been telling me for a while now. It just took me a while to "hear" him. Do you think I need a hearing aid?

Not Sure If It Is Worth It

2006-07-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

I go back and read some of my posts and I actually begin to worry about my sanity. I listen to my one-sided conversations with my husband, and again, I worry about myself. Tonight he told me that his rudeness, or actually coldness/meanness toward me is because of his frustration with me and it is my own fault. Because I will not leave him alone, he has to treat me this way. It is all my fault when you listen to him it seems. His feelings for me have disappeared because of all the things I have done to him over the years but he never bothered to talk to me during these years about anything that was wrong or anything I have done. He did not even bother to talk to be about what was wrong before he moved out. No, all of that came out within the past few weeks. He moved out because he could not be honest with me about his friendship and I was demanding it.

Is it worth it? All of this pain, this hurt? My heart says yes; my head says you stupid, stupid woman. Where is your pride? Your self-worth? What in the hell is wrong with you? If you would have asked me even three months ago if I would have begged my husband to come back to me, I would have told you that you were crazy, but then if you would have told me he would leave me, I would have said you were crazy.

Ironic? To be honest, I am not sure if it is worth it. To bring my children back to a secure, loving famiy, yes. But then, again, it is not really up to me at this moment. Is it worth fighting him to save our life together? I honestly do not know. I do know I do not want to live with someone who talks to me and treats me the way he does right now. I do have more self-worth than that.

So, what now?

Understanding?

2006-07-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have never understood how people could commit suicide or wallow in their despair, but at this point in my life, I do. I can not allow myself to take the easy way out because I have two beautiful boys who need their mother, but on nights like this when I am alone, I lose myself in my grief. I do not know how to function, I find myself just wondering around the house or laying on the floor crying uncontrollablely. Yeah, I am strong.

I can fake it for them. I have a few good days and then something happens, either a "discussion" with my husband or I learn some new piece of information and all of the territory I have gained in the past few days disappears and I am back at the bottom. This ride is not fun. To be honest, I do not know how much longer I can handle it.

I read the stories online of women who years later are still mourning their husbands after the divorce and I can not face years of this. I just can not do it. I have always been a happy person, but that person is gone. With my current life situation , I do not know how she will ever return. Financially, life will be impossible. Because of the money situation, raising my boys the way we had always dream is impossible. I will not be able to have the time with them that I once did....not only because of having to share it with their father but because I will have to get a second job. I know that millions of women have far worse lives than me and it seems petty for me to be whining about how horrible mine is, but it was so good.

I am a strong person, but most of my strength came from always having my husband to support me. Now what? Nights like tonight, I just do not want to play the game of life anymore. It is too hard. It is too sad. God help me, I can not handle much more of this.

At Times I Can Easily Hate Him

2006-07-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

When he drives away with my boys for the night, it is easy to see that I could grow to hate him. I do not want to be away from my kids...ever! THIS IS NOT FAIR....I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS AND I DON"T DESERVE IT!!!!!!!

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

2006-07-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

I did not think things could get any worse, but today I went to see someone who is very well versed in Louisiana Family Law. If or when my husband actually files for divorce, I am "screwed!" Not that things are beautiful financially now. The money we once had to live on is being spent on his living expenses and he is giving me money, but everything is still extremely tight and not all of the bills are being paid.

But wait, it gets better. When we file, the amount of money he will be required to give me will be lowered by $160 dollars a month from what he is giving me now, and get this....because I make $250 a month more than him, if we file for joint custody, I will have to pay him money!!! If he gives me custody and he has visitation, I will have to pay 53% of the kids tuition, medical bills, etc., and he will pay 47%.

Guess what, there is no way I will have it. A second job means even less time with the kids and it is already cut in half.....why? Why does this have to happen? I don't want to set myself up, but what next?

There is just nothing positive about divorce. I lose my husband whom I love very much, I lose my best friend and support, I only have my kids half the time, and now the financial situation that has never been good is going straight to hell. My kids only have their father half the time, they are angry, sad, confused, and don't know exactly why this is happening to them. My husband is angry and a different person.

Yeah, we will be okay.

Sleep....something I miss greatly.

2006-07-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

I thought it was getting better...the ability to sleep. Tuesday night I went to bed at 11:15 and sleep until 8am. It was wonderful although I did feel drugged most of yesterday. Last night, 12:30 until 3:30....back to my normal patterns. I once could lay down at 10:30, close my eyes, and sleep without moving until at least 5:30 if a workday or 7 if the weekend.

I am not taking naps during the day and that is something I miss about summer vacation. I would get up early, do my stuff, take a half hour to one hour nap, and then do some more. I could stay up later that way and still function. It was so relaxing. Now, forget it! I have actually tried to take a nap several times this summer and I think the most I got was 15 minutes. Oh well.

I have to figure out how to get my sleep patterns under control before school starts back or I will not make it through a full day of teaching high school students. I have to be sharp and on my toes with them. You can not fake it with that age group.

Sleep....it is funny the things we miss in life.

"Ain't I a Woman?"

2006-07-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

"That man over there say / a woman needs to be helped into carriages and lifted over ditches / and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helped me into carriages / or over mud puddles / or gives me a best place. . . / And ain't I a woman? / Look at me Look at my arm! / I have plowed and planted and gathered into barns / and no man could head me. . . And ain't I a woman? / I could work as much and eat as much as a man-- / when I could get to it--and bear the lash as well / and ain't I a woman? I have born 13 children / and seen most all sold into slavery and when I cried out a mother's grief / none but Jesus heard me. . .and ain't I a woman? / that little man in black there say a woman can't have as much rights as a man / cause Christ wasn't a woman Where did your Christ come from? / From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with him! / If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world / upside down, all alone together women ought to be able to turn it / rightside up again."
--Sojourner Truth

That's what we do as women--we carry on. We handle the stress, the workload, keep our families functioning, keep the schedules running smoothly, make the breakfast, lunches, plan dinners, arrange social activities, help with homework, make the grocery list, and in other words....keep the world running. Is it always smooth...no. Does everyone always agree with how we do it? No, of course not. Do we always do it right? No. But we always give it our best shot.

Ain't I a Woman? Haven't I done it all? Do I deserve to be treated like less? Hell NO! Excuse my language, but I am not going to lay down anymore. I refused to be forced to do something I do not want. I refuse to be talked to like I am an irritation instead of someone well loved. I refuse to feel sorry for myself any longer.

I am a lucky woman. I am healthy, I am beautiful (well kind of), I am smart, educated, and loved my many--friends, family, students, coworkers. I have the two most beautiful, talented sons in the world and they believe in their momma. They love me. My eight year old told me the other day that his daddy did not know what he was missing; my thirteen year old told me his father did not deserve me....Yes, they love their daddy, (and yes, I told them he did in answer to both questions---I do not speak negatively about their father!), but they realize the worth in their mother. If they can have such blind faith in me, shouldn't I have some too?

Yes, I can do this. What is this? Learn to live without a husband. I can take care of myself. I am strong, I am woman, hear me roar!!!!!!!!!

I will always love and miss my husband. He is a wonderful man, although he does has problems. But maybe he is not as smart as I thought he was, afterall, he is letting me get away.

I am woman....ain't I? I can do this. I have faith in myself. (Two nights without calling him and begging him to give us a chance....no miracles, but I am taking baby steps.)

I can do this.

Unbalanced World

2006-07-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that the world is full of whatever it is that we want, but can not have? Every where I look, there are seemingly happily married couples. Every man I see has a wedding band, and every conversation I over hear involves a spouse in some way.

What did these women and men do to manage to stay in their relationships? You know they have problems of some kind--all relationships do. Everyone hits bumps and has to climb mountains to make their relationship work. Why is theirs' working and my isn't? Why?

Why is it that we were built to be in pairs and then it is allowable for us to break up the pair? The world makes no sense sometimes.

I look around me and all I see are couples. Why do I have to be alone? I watched my husband come and pick up the boys tonight and he never looked at me....not even a glance. How can he do that? I can not handle seeing him or hearing his voice. When he left, I sat here and cried. What happened to us? How do I fix this? What can I do? Everyone keeps telling me that I can not do anything....it is up to him. It is so hard to put my life in the hands of someone who does not even understand what is going on or want to face it right now.

I either have to find a way to get him to want to fix our marriage or I have to learn how to get over him. How do I do either? I just wish that someone had an answer for me, but the sad part is that no one does or ever will. Everything is up to him now. God please be with him now. He needs guidance and help.

My Part in All of This

2006-07-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

It really hurts to finally have everything click in place. From everything I have read, I realize I have just made things worse. In the beginning, I demanded honesty. It hurt so much to find out my husband had a relationship with another woman--not physical, just emotional He became really good friends with her, to the point where he told her he loved her and lied to me to be with her. When I discovered the depth of the friendship or what I thought was the depth of it, I demanded he be honest with me. I found an email, and the words in the email did not match his explanation. This was three months ago, and he moved out a month after I found the email. He has never been completely honest with me, he is to some degree in denial about his friendship. He says it was just friends and I knowing him, I believe him, but it was way too deep of a friendship. He says he did not mean I love you in the same way, but since he says he no longer loves me, I am not sure exactly how he meant it.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that I went a little crazy when I found out, which to be honest is probably a normal reaction for most women. I drove him crazy demanding that he be honest with me about his feelings, what was going on, etc. He kept telling me just friends, no big deal and I did not get it. He left because he was tired of me badgering him. And once he left, I continued to do so about his relationship with her until he sat down and admitted that it was an emotional affair---a friendshup that went too far and took away the bond between us, but he still says it did not affect us. That part I do not understand, of course it had to affect us. When you share everything with someone--male or female, other than your spouse, it affects your relationship with your spouse. This person had a different value system than my husband and with all of the other things going on in his life at the time, he changed greatly or seems to have. I know that she influenced him even though he says no because she told another co-worker of his who has been a good friend of both of ours for years that no one but her could understand him and that he did not need anyone but her.

She guided him in a way until he had pulled away from everyone who mattered to him. I know this because he has said negative things about his friends that two years ago he did not feel. I feel that she changed the way he looked at the world and he does not know how to come back. Maybe I am crazy, but people don't change as much as he has without something influencing them.

Back to my original point, once he admitted the degree of the relationship, I continued the badgering. This time, I was begging for a chance for us. Please come home, please love me, give me a chance, you get the picture. All the time I was doing this, everything I was reading said NO NO NO. You can not do this because it will only push him farther away. But I could not stop myself. In my desperation and fear, I kept thinking that something I said would click and make him realize that he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

He told me this weekend that he does not feel anything for me and that he does not want to work on this marriage. He wants out. He told me that he worked on this marriage as hard as he could during the past year, but he never told me there was a problem, so he was working on it by himself. At the same time, he was developing the relationship with his friend. He truly believes that he gave it his best shot, but it is not possible. This is not about how I would have done it or the right way or anything else. It is about the fact that his emotional energy which should have been directed at home if he was working on his marriage even by himself, was directed at her. I have phone bills and had email logs until he deleted them that show just how much energy he put into her.

I wish there was some magic button I could push to make him realize that everything that could be done wasn't--by either of us. I did not know. Now I do, I could make a difference. Together, we could do this.

I have done too much damage to us now though and he has hardened his heart completely to me. I make him crazy and I understand why. I make myself crazy. I just do not understand and can't see giving up. I love him too damn much. The pain is so raw...I have spent nineteen years with this man, and until March of this year, I thought our life was as close to perfect as life can be. I realize now that I knew by my birthday that something wasn't right. He was in a bad mood most of the time at home, and on my birthday, he did not bake me a cake. No big deal, right? It is here. He has ALWAYS baked me a cake on my birthday. In the beginning, he bought one, but since the boys were born (13 and 8) he has baked me a cake with them. This year, I even had to go buy the groceries for my own birthday dinner and cooked most of it. I knew something wasn't right, but I thought most of it was his issues with his dad. By the end of March, I knew it was more but I did not want to face it (the relationship with her). It has only been in the past few weeks that he gave me the information about issues he had with us.

I am so confused and scared. Today was the first holiday of any kind since 1987 that I have spent wtihout him. It was really hard and sad.

I refuse to give up. Maybe I am crazy, maybe not. I will have to do this without asking him anything, talking to him, or emailing him, but I can not give him a divorce right now. I feel that there is too much at stake and there is still too much left between us. Maybe if I can give him time, he will realize it. Crazy...no, I had a part in this and I have to give him a chance. I love him. How can I face my boys someday if I give up too soon?

He wants me to file for divorce, but I do not think I can. I can not give up. If he wants a divorce, he is going to have to do it. Everyone says I have to in order to protect myself and the kids, but right now he is doing everything he said he would and I have to trust him. I know some people would think I was crazy, but he is a good man, something just happened. I know in my heart he still cares about me, and whether it is fear, the pain of everything else he is facing, a mid-life crisis early, or what ever, I believe there is enough there worth fighting for. I just have to fight silently.

Everyday I pray for a miracle, for him to wake up and say, wait, I don't want to be without my wife and family. It may be a crazy idea, and I may be setting myself up for more hurt and pain, but I just can not see giving up.

Memories...Questions...Doubts....Only the answers are missing!

2006-07-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

It is midnight and once again, I am sitting at this computer instead of lying in bed, asleep. My life has changed so much in the past three months. I was sitting in a bubble bath earlier, with memories flooding my brain....first date, quiet nights together, late night dinners with friends (before kids)...the day he came home from work and I told him I was pregnant with our first son; him practically carrying into the emergency room demanding that they see me immediately when I was so sick from a spinal after surgery, him gently rubbing my head to put me to sleep at night, or the sweet, loving look on his face when I stopped by his classroom with a coke, sharing a hammock in Jamaica all afternoon, the feel of his hands on my back as we walk out of church together, and the smile on his face that reached his eyes when we watched our boys doing anything...the amazement that our love created something that wonderful.

Yes, a decision has been made, but it is not the right decision; it is just the best one for the moment. I must find a way to pull myself together and raise the boys. How am I going to teach them about having a good marriage? How do I teach them to stay and fight for their lives? I do I teach them to carry on through the difficult times with grace and dignity? These are things that I have not managed to do, so how can I teach them these lessons?

A friend of mine tried to make me feel better tonight. When I said I felt pathetic, she told me about throwing herself at her husband's feet, wrapping her arms around his ankles, and begging him to not leave her. Been there.....My life is forcing her to relive a lot of bad memories from her divorce, but she says it is okay because it illustrates just how wonderful her life is now. It took her many years to get where she is....the idea of that scares me. If this life has taken nineteen years to fall apart, how many to heal?

For the first time in my life I am faced with a situation in which I can do nothing to make it better. I can not change him, I can not force him to love me. If I could, he would be here now.

When I told my boys tonight that I would be filing for divorce this week, they did not even cry. That breaks my heart. They both looked at me and said they have been waiting for me to tell them this. It is sad that they expected this to happen, what happened to my children's innocence? Where did it go? Why couldn't they grow up in a happy, safe world like we planned?

As I said in the title, I have these memories that will haunt me and comfort me for a long time. I have so many questions I could write a book, but answers? Well, there is only one person who could give me those and I don't believe he ever will because he does not know himself.

The one person who I always knew was there for me, who would always love me and support me and keep me safe has decided he did not want the job any longer. No one else could ever fill his spot. It will always be empty. I believe in soulmates, and you only find that once. Mine just got lost.

No More Waiting

2006-07-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

It is official, a decision has been made. We are getting a divorce. God, that is such a horrible word. There are no positive connations connected to it. It means failure, not being loved, financial problems, pain, and all of the negative things in life. Well, here I go right straight through the fires of hell.

Yes, I will come out with a few burns, some hidden, but I know I will come out alive. It was so sad today to talk to my husband for the last time (at least for a long time). Of course, I am an emotional wreck standing there with him and except for a tear or two, there was no evidence of pain, regret or sadness in him. Oh, there were emotions...anger. The only one I seem to get anymore from him.

It is so hard to believe that he is going to give up on a nineteen year relationship without a fight or at least giving me a chance. I deserve that, the chance, he does too, but he is unable to face himself right now, much less me. I am worried about him, but he let so many negative things change him this past year into a person I no longer recognize. I can not fix him or take care of him any more. I must focus on myself for the first time in my life and on my sons.

I love him, but I never want to hurt like this again. He has actually created this little place in me that is full of hate, but I know that it is not really hate, it is just all of the painful love.

So, what tomorrow? I find an attorney. I begin a new life. I must avoid him like the plague for a while in order to get my emotional strength back because seeing him always weakens me. After nineteen years and all of the pain and hurt of the past few months, my heart still beats faster when I see him or hear his voice. I must make that go away.

Tomorrow is a new day, and with the support of my friends, family, and children, I will be okay. I am scared, very scared. I have never been alone; I went from Daddy's house to being married and I have spent more of my life with this man that without. I am scared, but fear keeps us on our toes, right?

At least now I am not sitting here waiting for him to make a decision. I am taking charge of what is left of my life. I am in control again. God help us all!

Reality Check

2006-07-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me tonight that they have always respected me because I was a very principled person. That I lived my life by a moral code and stood by my values. No, I may not always be the most tactful person, but you know where you stand with me, I am honest to a fault, and I am a caring, good person who always tries to do right.

I feel that is a fairly accurate description of me, but my friend told me that within the past month, I have let go of my principles, and I am allowing my husband to lower me at this point in my life. It is admirable that I love him enough to be supportive and wait if I must for him to decide if he wants to be married to me, but that since my husband is not going to face me and "tell me" what he wants to do honestly, let's face it, he never told me in seventeen years of marriage about anything that made him uphappy with me, I must be smart enough to "listen" to what he is telling me through his actions. My friend is right. The counselor told me almost the same thing last night....I must "listen" to what my husband's actions are saying. My friend also asked me what did I think I was teaching my boys right now....that it is okay to treat a woman this way, that you can walk out on your marriage and your children, and treat them the way my husband is treating me and it is okay. I am teaching them that it is okay because I am just sitting here taking it. If my husband was willing to "work" on this marriage, it would be a different lesson. My friend has a very valid point because I truly feel that especially my oldest son is losing respect for me because I am acting very out of character right now. I just felt that it was what my husband needed and he is worth waiting for, but is he worth waiting for if the waiting will destroy me and teach my sons negative lessons about marriage, life, and right from wrong?

I must put my own emotional health and that of my children first. What kind of a mother am I going to be if I allow my husband to continue to destroy my emotional well being? It took too many years to get my shit straight after my biological father to have it all destroyed now. If I let it, this situation could literally destroy me because once again in my life some man is telling me he does not want me, but I have spent too many years getting my self together emotionally, building my self-confidence, and proving my self-worth to allow any man to destroy me.

If my husband is not going to Retrouvaille with me, he is not willing to work on this marriage and he is telling me that. I just have to listen to him. Since I am not expecting a magical breakthrough by tomorrow afternoon, I guess I am looking for an attorney Monday morning. I never dreamed my life would work out this way; hell, three months ago I would have never dreamed I would be here today. It was just not a possibility, not us. This just proves that there are no guarantees in life, and you have to make your own. It is up to me to make my life good, it is up to me to take care of myself and my boys. I can not depend on the man I married to be there; he has already disappeared. He has changed so much that I can no longer assume I know what his reaction will be to something or even what he will say in a situation. Once upon a time, I knew exactly what he would always do....the right thing. I never knew anyone more principled, more good than him. I use to wish I was as good of a person as he was.

I have learned in the past two months that I have more friends than I ever knew, that many people like and respect me, and that I have a huge support network that will help me and the boys through this point in our life. We will be okay.

I actually feel sorry for my husband; not only is he losing a good wife (not perfect, but definitely good), he will never have the relationship he could have with his sons because let's face it, although he will always be there for them (he is a great father), he did walk out on them in a way, too. They have lost some respect for him. They feel he has made a lie out of the lessons he has taught them in their lives so far, and that is something he can never get back, no matter how well he handles things in the future.

I worry about him because I love him and I have been taking care of him for so long, but I can not be responsible for him any longer. He must take care of himself now. It will be a long painful journey to remove him from my life, but I am afraid it is the path I am heading on. My favorite poem ("The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost) keeps coming back to me in this situation, and he has started us on a path, and"... knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back." This path will change our lives forever, alter the course of our realities, and we will move in new, separate directions. I did not ask for this change in our direction, but I must learn to deal with it.

He will always be connected to my life because of the boys, but that connection will only be a thin thread and will not be strong enough to bind us any more. This chapter in my life is closing, I truly wish it wasn't, and I will begin to write a new one. Who knows how it will turn out, but knowing me, it will be interesting!!!

I will survive....I am strong....I do have worth. With God, my boys, my friends, and my family, I will have help. I will survive, and even though part of me will always miss and love him, someday, I will grow into my new life.

Please stop the hurt

2006-07-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

My husband says he does not want to hurt me, but God, he has gotten really good at it. And everytime he says that, I know more pain is on the way. He does not want to go on the retreat, he doesn't know why, but he just doesn't want to go. He says he can't. He also does not know if he wants to be married to me or if he wants a divorce, but what am I supposed to do while he decides? What about the boys?

If this retreat would help him decide, why can't he force himself to do it? No, I don't understand. I know people are different, but he has changed and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act, what to say, anything. Everything I do is wrong. When I open my mouth, I see him tense up and prepared to reject whatever I say without evening knowing what is coming. It doesn't matter, he doesn't want to hear anything from me. How did it get like this? How did the man who once made me feel like a queen get to the point where his body language says I hate you?

He says his feelings did not change overnight, but that's how I learned of them so for me, it was overnight. I find out about his emotional affair and then a few weeks later, oh, by the way, I just don't love you anymore. Oh, he loves or rather cares for me, but he is not "in love" with me. Many people fall in and out of love during their marriage, but he does not want to realize or discuss that. He does not want to do anything to work on us, he says he is, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming, "I AM FINISHED WITH YOU!"

I really did not know if was possible to hurt so much. Our sons are with him this weekend, and last night, I repainted my oldest son's room until 3 am this morning. That kept me busy, but now what do I do? I should be spending time with my family and I am alone. All of my friends are out enjoying the weekend with their families, and I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I got cheated out of my family and there is nothing I can do about it.

Cheated? Is that a fair assessment? Well, I was never told anything was wrong. Yes, it is true there are things I could have done better, but I did one hell of a lot right too. More right than wrong, I guess it was just my wrongs were huge. But I never lied to my husband, I never cheated on him, and I always loved him. I took good care of him, our children, our home, and our lives. I did almost anything he asked me for and was always doing extra little things to let him know I was thinking of him. I paid and handled all the bills, I took care of the cars, I did all of the things that most of my friends' husbands do and I never knew that by me just doing it, I was causing more damage. I "took" away his chance to be a man they say. Well, he did not want to do it, he left it to me.

He is always quick to go help others, but he doesn't want to help me. I gave him a list a few weeks ago of things that "Need" (not that I want) to be fixed and he has done one of them, but not the one that could be a fire hazard. I know it is because he does not want to be in this house, but I just don't understand? What happened? Why? Why can't he try to work on it? Aren't we worth it? Yes, it does come down to that....you have to be motivated to do something, and there is no motivation for him to work on us. How do I help him feel motivated???

I am tired. I am scared. And I hate being alone. I don't care that I need to learn how, I want my family. I want him to love me. I just want him to give me a chance. Yes, it is about what I want because what I want is not so horrible....I want a chance to fix a good family and marriage and make them better. Our life was not horrible....it was good, it just needed some improvements.

WHY CAN"T WE DO THAT?????? I AM TIRED OF CRYING, I AM TIRED OF FEELING ALONE, AND UNLOVED! I AM TIRED!!!! I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS AND SO DOES HE, BUT HE IS THE ONE STOPPING BOTH OF US FROM HEALING.

Oh, God, please help me. I can not live like this. I said the other day that I believed he had not hit rock bottom yet, but I am definitely there and I can not seem to get up. Every time I think I am taking a few steps in the right direction, something else knocks me down. I really can not do this anymore. I hurt so bad, I can not make it stop. Somebody help me, please........................

Hardest Lesson to Learn

2006-06-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

Everything I read and everyone with advice says I have to give my husband space. Everytime I ask him to come home, everytime I beg, I am pushing him farther away. This is hard to accept and hard to believe, but I know it is true because I can see it happening in my life everyday. How do you let go of someone you love? How do you let go of nineteen years when you KNOW that it is not over? How do I know it is not over? Because he still loves me; he does not show it often, but every once in a while he slips and in just the way he looks at me or the tone of his voice tells me he is fighting with himself.

I need to give him space, and this blog will help because I can put all of my thoughts, pleads, and emotions here and try to be calm and supportive when I see him instead of a hysterical, begging maniac who scares the hell out of him.

It is up to my husband to choose us. I believe in my heart he will; it just scares me as to how long it will take him to do so. He is a good man and although he is not thinking clearly right now or even acting like himself, he is facing demons of his own. He must learn to fight his own battles and I must learn to let him. That is difficult to do when you love some one so much; you want to help them, you want to fix everything for them, but one of the greatest lessons we can learn in life is how to fix and take care of things for ourselves.

When he is ready, he will give us a chance to continue "The Dance." Until then, I must focus on the positive, make positive changes in my attitude and behavior and be ready for him whenever he is ready. It may sound like I am trying to be a martyr, but I am not. I want to be a supportive wife who understands that he is facing difficult times. I just wish he would face them with me instead of fighting me every step of the way. Sometimes in life, we have to learn to do things on our own. He knows I am here; that will have to be enough for now.

2006-06-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

I will be positive. I will not allow negative thoughts to bring me down. My life will turn around for the better. We will fix our problems.

Counselor Appointment--ok, better now

2006-06-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the counselor's appointment. I do feel better for the first time today. One of my concerns with counseling was that my husband came back from his last appointment saying that the counselor agreed that he could not do anything more than he can. Yes, he told me we can not change my husband's feelings, but it is a motivation issue--either he wants to fix the marriage or he doesn't. If he does, he will have to force himself to do things that he may not feel like doing right now. Our next appointment may be together, but not sure yet. The counselor did say that the weekend retreat we are going to next week will "force" us to communicate. It may also be a deciding factor for my husband...one way or the other.

I told the counselor that I feel like my husband has not "hit rock bottom" yet and he said he could see that. Part of the problem is that I am still enabling my husband.....trying to make things easier--not wanting to ask for money, baking bread for him, buying him clothes (today) and other things. The other part of the problem is that I have to a degree taken his role as the man of the house away from him. It was not intentional, but by me taking charge and doing things instead of helping him to take charge, I have made the situation worse. Men need to be in control and I have taken that role.

Yes, there are many things that we both need to work on, but they are all things that are manageable, (fixable if you will) if we are both motivated to do so. The question remains how do I convince my husband that it is worth taking the chance? That question I can not answer and may never be able to . This is something that my husband must come to on his own.

I love him and am willing to work on anything that we need to in order to improve our marriage. The counselor asked me if I had a "timeline" in mind...how long am I willing to wait? I do not know. At what point is too long? He is worth the wait, but I am not sure how much damage the wait will do to both me and our children. How do you decide a timeline when you are talking about the rest of your life, but on the flip side, how long do you wait to put your life back together?

In life, there are no easy answers.

Not One of the Good Ones

2006-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today is definitely not a good day. As I said earlier, I woke up this morning crying and I can not seem to stop...not actually crying, but the tears are hovering right there and just the least little thing is going to make them pour. It will probably happen at the counselor's office today.

I don't really want to go. I am depressed, sad, and I feel like it is doing no good. My husband and I are seeing the counselor separately and I have no idea what they are talking about; I just know he seems further away from coming back than closer.

I am tired of people asking me how I am doing....how the hell do you think I am doing? My husband left me. I am alone. I do not want it to be this way, but I am not being given a choice in this matter. It is my life and I have no say-so.

And I guess in addition to the other emotions, I am angry and hurt. He left me because he could not face what he was doing; he left because he could not be honest with me and then he wasn't even honest about why he was leaving. His reason--because I just wouldn't stop. Can you blame me? I wouldn't stop because he just wouldn't be honest. That is all I wanted...honesty. He has this list of all of these things I have done over the years that hurt him and the pain has built up until it has killed off his feelings for me. He does not want to go back to that hurt. The sad part is in all of the years we were together, he never gave me a chance. He never said ANYTHING! He let me believe that our life was good, that he was happy, and let me plan for a future together and did not even give me a chance. He says he feels nothing for me. That hurts because I feel so much for him that I am incapable of functioning some days. Until the night I discovered his "problems," I still thought our life was damn good and that he loved me. I knew he was going through something difficult, but again, the honesty thing...he did not let me have the whole picture.

My husband has never been a talker...he always said I talked enough for the both of us and he didn't need to. I thought he was happy; I thought that was a joke. I didn't realize it was his way of saying he was not happy. A while back he found someone he could talk to; someone who he fell in love with. He says it was not love, just friends, but he told this person he loved them. He is not a man who says things he does not mean....he just wouldn't say anything instead of a lie. Two months ago he loved this person, now he doesn't want anything to do with them, but he also doesn't love me and doesn't want anything to do with me. Actually, three weeks ago he still said he loved me, but now he doesn't feel anything. How can someone turn off emotions so easily? How can they change their mind that quickly?

Some people would ask where my pride is? Why I am still hanging on? Because I love him. I believe he is hurting right now, that he does not truly realize what is happening to him and I believe, deep down, he still loves me, he just can not face me. I may be the one in denial, I may be the one going crazy. It is a chance I will have to take.

I asked him recently if he could tell me one thing positive about our marriage. He said he always knew I would support him.....I still am. Yes, he knows me. Maybe that is why he does not love me? If so, I know that it is going to be his loss. Don't get me wrong, I am going to be the loser here too, but he is going to throw away a chance at happiness and nineteen years of goodness. Yes, there was some not so good stuff there, but everyone deserves a second chance in life. Everyone deserves a chance to fix their mistakes. We may deserve it, but life is not always fair, and we don't always get what we deserve much less what we want.

The Dance

2006-06-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

I am not a country music fan, but this morning when I turned to my computer and pulled up my favorite playlist, there is a song by Garth Brooks that I have always loved. It really hit me this morning (maybe those tears I woke up with!) The song is "The Dance" and it was written by Tony Arata. The lyrics:

Looking back on the memory of The dance
we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd of had to miss the dance

Right now it hurts, but I can honestly say I would not have missed the dance of my life the past nineteen years. I do not want the dance to end, but at least I will have experienced the greatest dance of all. This experience has made me the person I am today, the good, the bad, warts and all. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

Sleep, emptiness--my new life?

2006-06-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I stayed up really late last night because let's face it, I have problems going into my bedroom lately, much less sleeping in that bed. I was once the type person that nothing stopped me from getting my sleep. I could sleep anywhere and it did not matter what was going on in my life, I laid my head down and passed out for a good seven hours. Now, I have to work myself into a state of exhaustion so that I can barely even make it to the bed and then if I am real lucky, I get four hours. Last night, I got five! Improvement? Who knows.

Why did I wake up with tears on my cheeks? I am not sure. Somedays I wake up and I know I will be okay today. Others, it is a constant minute by minute battle. I guess today will be one of those days. Maybe it has something to do with going to see the counselor today. I am scared, so very scared. Is this going to work? Will there be a magical breakthrough today, tomorrow, next week or never? This constant roller coaster ride is exhausting and scary. I am the person who stands at the bottom watching everyone else on the ride because I am just not sure if I can handle it. Somehow, I got thrown on the ride and and I realize that my assessment of myself was accurate. I can not handle it. Oh, I know I will learn how. I have no choice. Someone else is at the control and refuses to turn the damn thing off. If I ride it long enough, I admit I will get sick many times, but eventually, it will become a normal feeling and I will accept the ride whether I like it or not.

To turn this ride off, I have to figure out how to make my husband love me again. This is an impossible task for two reasons: 1) you can not make anyone do or feel anything they don't....I can remind him all day long about the good times but if all he wants to focus on is the negative, I have no control over that. And let me tell you that is a difficult realization for a control freak. 2)he is not exactly seeing my best side at this moment. He agreed to a "date" the other night because I wanted to give us a chance to reconnect. I spent an hour taking a bath, shaving my legs, painting my nails, wanted my wild frizzy hair to actually look good. I picked out the perfect outfit to show off the weight I have lost, light makeup to accent my best features and my best perfume. I was more nervous than I was nineteen years ago and I remember changing my outfit a hundred times for that night. It literally took me hours to put my closet back together when I got home from our first date. Anyway, I leave the kids at home, they know where I am going and what I am doing. My oldest son looked at me with pity in his eyes. He just shook his head. My little one told me "Good luck, Mommy."

I show up at my husband's new apartment, he is cooking dinner for me. I had expressed to him that I wanted this time together to be a date. He is wearing the shorts and tshirt that he probably had on all afternoon. No big deal, he did not have to fix himself up for me but it illustrated one of our major problems---I always expected too much and he never wanted to meet them or never bothered to realize what they were. We eat dinner and it was nice...I was struggling to find things to talk about without getting into issues, but he is hard to talk to at the best of times, and it just felt like he really did not want to do this. Let's face it...he didn't. He glanced at his watch several times and I knew he was ready for me to leave, but I couldn't. Where is my miracle? Can't he see that he loves me, that I love him, that we belong together? Can't he see all the good behind the negative? We just need a chance to fix it. And of course, I got desperate. I could not just stop, shut up, and walk out the door gracefully with my dignity intact. No I had to beg, cry, and dive into issues. I never seem to be able to just walk out gracefully. Oh everyone says this is what you need to do, but what I need and what I want don't mesh here. I need to back off, leave him alone, and make a new life. I want him in that new life.

Why can't we be the people others want us to be? Why can't I shut up? Why can't I be more graceful, more calm, less desperate? My friend tells me it is because I love him so much. She actually says it blows her away because she has realized that she may not love her husband enough because she would not do what I am doing...waiting, begging for a chance to fix everything. She keeps telling me I need to get on with my life. Doesn't everyone understand that is exactly what I am trying to do? My life is my husband and I. My life has always been about him; he has always been a part of it, the biggest part. He is my best friend, my supporter, my cheerleader, my comic, my lover, my partner in everything. If you loose all of that at once, how do you "go on?"

I wish I had a magic wand that could erase the past few years; fix the hurts, the pain, and change me into the person I should have been to do this right. I don't have one. I am learning that I can not change anything. I can work on things, I am improve, I can MAKE changes, but I can not go back. I will move forward. Since right now, he doesn't want to move forward with me, I will have to learn to be all of the things I need in my life myself. I know in my head that I am strong enough to do it, but in my heart I wonder why I should bother. Looking forward, it just seems so empty. I don't want an empty life. I can fill it up with other things, just like I try to do now when the kids go to his house, but that is all it is, filler. It has no meaning, it provides no warmth or comfort, and it is not a complete life. It is empty.

Improvements for me!

2006-06-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

After much soul searching and listening to my husband's suggestions, I know there are things about myself I need to work on. Maybe it will help to have them in writing so that I can not deny what I should be doing:

1. Stop talking so much...somethings should be private, but I have always been an open book. I need to learn to depend on my own judgement and not constantly need the approval and support of others. Although, it does not hurt to talk to people who love and care about you, it does hurt if it bothers someone you care about. Maybe this "journal" will help with that instead. It is nice and private (to a degree--no one who may read it knows who I really am).

2. Learn patience....it is a virtue, one I am sorely lacking. All things can not come to me exactly when I demand them. No I am not spoiled, I just see how I think things should be and I go for it. I need to learn to slow down, and let things happen naturally. I need to incorporate others visions with mine. Difficult, can not be fixed overnight, but this is a long-term goal. I will accomplish it.

3. Learn who I am...learn to be comfortable with myself. Being alone ahs always been hard for me. I like myself, I really do, but I truly do not know who I am without my family. So much of my life as been focused on other people that I forgot to take care of me. That is a hard lesson to learn at 37, but I will begin to figure it out because I have no choice.

4. Learn to show respect for others in what I say and in what I don't say. It is not as if I intentionally try to hurt people, but I know that sometimes I come across wrong. I need to be more clear in "what I am saying" through both verbal and body language.

5. Learn to give the people I love space and the opportunity to take care of themselves. They do not need me as much as I think. Not being "needed" is hard, but I need to learn to let go.

There are a million other things to add to this list, but Rome was not built in a day, and I can not change every one of my faults overnight. This list will be a work in progress, just like me.

How do you start a new life?

2006-06-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

How do you start a new life?
In the movie, A Perfect Man, which I watched last night, the mother explains to her daughters why she is so desperate to find a man...her daughters are her whole world, but they will be grown someday soon, and she will be left alone. Alone...a scary thought. I think it is one of the things that scares me so much. My sons are thirteen and eight (almost nine as he insists on saying!). My thirteen year old has a busier social life than I had at seventeen. He is becoming a young man, a wonderful one I might add, but he will be growing away from me in the coming years and his life will be more important. My youngest will not be far behind him. Let's face it, in less than nine years, I will be alone.

My husband and I use to talk about what we would do when the boys were grown. It's not that we wanted to get rid of them, it is just that we would dream of our life together when it was just us again. We dated for two years and were married for four before our oldest was born. Those were wonderful years of Sundays in bed, late night dinners, unplanned last minute weekend trips, and total devotation to each other. Raising the boys so far has been a fabulous experience full of joy and at times fear, but we would not have traded this part of our lives for anything. We just dreamed of the day when it would be us again. Where would we go? What would we do?

We have two lists that we have built over the years...the places we want to see with the boys, and the places we want to see together, just us.. We have both always loved to experience new things, and sometimes, half the fun was in the "planning." Although it has only been less than two months since we separated, if I listen to what he is telling me, this will be my life. I keep asking myself, what life? How did I end up here? What now?

I have spent the last nineteen years of my life (I was eighteen and straight out of high school when we met) connected to another person. We have grown up together and every experience of my adult life is tied to him. How do I move forward? What kind of a life will I have without him? What if I don't want a life without him? How come I did not get a choice or a say in this decision?

My son was joking with me last night during a scene in the movie when a man comes to pick the mom up for a date. He said, "That will be you soon, and I will be the one giving these men a hard time." I told him that I was not interested in dating, ever. He knows the only man I want to be with is his father. He said, "Momma, you are a beautiful, special woman, and any man would be lucky to have you. There will be men soon."

New men? Oh my God, no. I can not even begin to imagine dating. There is only one man I want in my life. I spent nineteen years getting everything just right, or so I thought. If I was this unsuccessful after nineteen years, why would I want to subject myself to the pain, fear, and let's face it, work of trying this again with someone new? Oh well, maybe for the good parts, but honestly, I want the good parts with my husband now, not someone new. What are/were the good parts? Having someone beside you for everything; having a best friend who knows you and loves you in spite of your many faults; someone to hold your hand, or you when you cry; someone who knows without you even saying a word that you need a hug or a back rub; having someone tell you everyday of your life that you are beautiful even though you are fifty pounds overweight, need a haircut and you are worried about his eyesight. Yes, I had that.....as close to a perfect life as anyone could ever hope to get. What happened? I am still trying to figure that out, but how could anything ever come close? I don't see it.

Nineteen years of learning someone, loving someone, and sharing every moment together. How do you eliminate that from your life? How do you start over alone when you have never been alone, and to be honest, you do not like to be alone? Some would say I need to learn to be comfortable with myself...maybe that is my lesson in all of this. But, let's be truthful, who really wants to be alone? Who do you share those special moments with? Who understands just by the look on your face that it wasn't a great day at work? Who do you share that "look" with, you know the one over the kids head when they do something special or funny? Who will sit up with you waiting on your teenage son to come home from his first date? Or who will hold your hand while you wait to see if he is going to get up after being injured on the football field?

I don't want to do this alone. I want to share all of the joy, pain, and fear with the person who promises to love me forever, through good times and bad. New life, no thank you. I just want to wake up tomorrow and have my old one back. Although I admit there are a few things in it that could be improved. Let's face it, there is no such thing as perfect, but it was as close as you get. Any new life will just pale in comparison.

2006-06-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a new day. It will be a good day.

The Perfect Man

2006-06-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching The Perfect Man. Newly separated women should not be allowed to watch chick flicks. I once thought he existed, the perfect man; actually I thought I was married to him. I celebrated my seventeen wedding anniversary last month and it was also the one week anniversary of the day my husband moved out. So, I guess I was not married to the perfect man.

Is it possible? Is there such a creature? What exactly is a perfect man? Is he one who brings you flowers, not every day, but every once in a while...even one he just picked out of your flower beds? Does he dance you around the kitchen while you are cooking dinner? How about sing corny songs like "Wonderful Tonight" in your ear even when you are in your rattiest pjs and desperately need a shower? Does he know what size shirt you wear or even what type of books you like to read? Does he know your favorite color? Does he call you or text you during the day just to say "Thinking of you--love you."

Is this really too much to ask? No, but is all of that necessary for a perfect life? No. How about a man who loves you and tells you that you are beautiful when you go from a size 12 to a 22 in over three years? A man who NEVER says you need to lose weight or anything negative about you. How about a man who does more laundry than you do? Or if you have never mopped a floor in your life? Give me a man who takes all of the middle of the night feedings because he wants to be with his sons and you have to go to work earlier than he does. A perfect man is one who bakes you a cake on your birthday, not buys you one. A perfect man knows you so well he can tell when a body part hurts you before you even realize you are in pain just by watching you walk or the way you stand. A perfect man buys you two cards for every occasion...one to make you laugh, and one that tells you just how special you are. A perfect man knows you inside and out and loves you anyway. A perfect man demands that his sons grow up to respect women, starting with their mom. He teachs by example, always saying thank you for dinner, it was wonderful, and telling you how great you look (even if he is just saying it and not really looking anymore...). A perfect man is patient and gentle with his sons; he drops his briefcase and goes straight outside to throw the ball when he would much rather sit down and rest after a rough day or he changes at work and heads straight to little league practice for a couple of hours and brings the rest of his work home for later. A perfect man loves with all of his heart; he supports his family; and he believes in them.

Yes, I was married to man who was as close to perfect as they come and somewhere along the road, I lost him or rather he lost himself. How do you find someone who is lost and doesn't want to come home?