Almost forgot how to do this

It has been so long since I posted, I almost forgot how to do this. My God, where do I start? Two years since I began this blog, and how things have changed. I started writing on here to try to heal myself....and it helped. I moved on to other avenues after a while though, and maybe it is that some things come into our lives for a reason (or a season?).

I am the same woman who started this two years ago and I am a completely different woman. It is amazing how that works. Those who have travelled the path of divorce and rediscovering ourselves will understand this statement. Others may not. It is just how things work.

Where have I been? Everywhere.....you know the George Strait song, "She let herself go"....that was me! No, not as in looking bad or anything like that, but let myself go as in discovered the world and me! It has been a busy, wonderful, and yes, sometimes, painful two years. But I stand here today, a healthy, happy woman who is truly blessed.

THere are so many details since I truly last posted that I may never be able to cover all of them; but for those who wonder, I am here, I am good.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and a better life. I never would have believed it, but yes, it is true.

Thank God.

The Even Better Me Coming Soon!

I posted a few weeks ago and was very vague about things going on in my life. I promised my friend, Trisha, who is most likely the only person who reads this (which is fine because it is just for clearing the head and cleansing the soul) that I would catch up with details later.......so here goes:

1st: I am for the first time in my life putting myself first. I am having surgery in June to correct something that really bothers me. I was a very large (not exactly tiny now..lol) woman when I had my kids by c-section. When the muscle is cut, the fat and everything just stays there and no amount of exercise will ever make it go away. I have lost fifty pounds this past year, gone down two sizes in my clothes and feel good about myself over all except for my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I am not skinny, I am a large boned, muscular person who is still out of shape and needs to lose another fifty pounds. I know that although I am working on getting in shape, I will never be what I was in high school and honestly, I am not willing to do or live in a way that would make that happen. Life is too short to deny yourself some pleasures (within reason, of course). So, I am having a "tummy tuck"...sounds simple....but oh my goodness, it is not. It is actually called a full abdominoplasty. The recovery time will be several weeks and it is a major surgery. Seems severe to put myself through this, but it is for me......not anyone else. I have wanted to do this for years, but I made the decision that I would do it in December or January. I just had to wait to be able to do it until school is out and I had the money saved.

Now, again it is not for anyone else. But, yes, I have met someone....the 2nd part of my vague email.....coming next!!!

I AM

At the beginning of each school year, I have my students write an I am poem. It is more or less a formula poem where they feel in blanks with words describing themselves. It is an opportunity, if they take it seriously, to get to know who they are as we begin our journey together. Eight years ago when I started teaching, I wrote my own as an example for the kids. Going through some old lessons this morning, I found my example. Since my life has changed so much in eight years, I revisited my poem. Below I have posted my first poem from eight years ago and the one that came to me this morning. Am I still the same person, no. Is she still in there? I am not sure that I want her to be, but then again, she wasn't all bad.

Poem from eight years ago:

I am nurturing and sensitive
I wonder what goes on inside my children’s heads
I hear the ocean waves
I see my grandfather smiling
I want my boys to be great men
I am nurturing and sensitive

I pretend I am skinny
I feel happy
I touch someone’s life
I worry about my children and my students
I cry at sad movies
I am nurturing and sensitive

I understand life requires work
I say always do your best
I dream about making a difference
I try to be a good person
I hope I am successful
I am nurturing and sensitive


My new biopoem:

I am at times happy and scared
I wonder what the future holds for me and my boys
I hear the ocean gently calling me
I see a future of possibilities, but at times, it seems to be far away
I want to live fully with love and no fear
I am at times happy and scared

I pretend that everything is wonderful even when it is not
I feel some days like I am drowning and some, I soar
I touch the life my future holds and wonder
I worry that I will lose my boys someday
I cry at the idea of being alone forever
I am at times happy and scared

I understand there are no guarantees in life
I say God please give me the grace to follow
I dream of waking to the surf each day
I try to live fully each day and not dwell on the past
I hope someday the pain and fear goes away
I am at times happy and scared


Now, I realize that I keep saying I will stay up to date on here....Sorry Trisha! There is just so much going on now with school, the boys, and of course, life that time is not a luxury I have a lot of at this point. I will try to do as much as I can and of course, summer will allow lots of time for reflection. Be patient with me.....please.

Patience

A friend gave me a good quote last week...."Patience is learning to trust in God's timing." Patience has never been one of my virtues, but God is definitely working on me in that area. There are many things in my life that I have had to wait for or on this past year especially.

Areas in which I have to trust God's timing right now:

--settlement and custody paperwork is not complete....ex is changing his mind on things and refuses to sign our original paperwork that is ready now (more on this later)
--I want to move and go back to school but ex won't allow it without a fight for the boys because it is out of state (more later)
--I have a "friend" who whether I am ready for this or not, I have begun to care for and the relationship will not progress past the point it is ever....he actually has more issues than I do....imagine that! (of course-more later)
--I am having surgery in June......need to come up with $8,000 to pay for it since ex changed settlement plans
--school needs to end.....
--boys are spending time with ex and "girlfriend" the one he did not cheat on me with (yeah...)

Goodness, I sound awfully negative tonight. I guess it is just my mood---no one can always be bright and cheerful, not even Sunni.

My goal with this blog is to stay up to date and to write at least every other day. The boys schedule and of course, the crazy time at school right now might make that impossible, but with the one year mark coming up, I think I might need to "sort" out a lot of stuff and here is the perfect place.

So, tomorrow night....which topic should I choose?

Seven Months Later....

Seven months later............. oh my goodness.....where do I start? First of all, there is life after hell. Yes, it comes in stages which is why there are different degrees of burns! December 27th was the divorce date. December 26th I learned that my now ex-husband had lied to me for the entire seven months of our separation and had been with the other the entire time...but he lied to protect me because he did not want to hurt me....lol! There is no way I can catch up every single detail of my life experiences in the past seven months, but let me give you a few highlights!

First of all, there is a God and there is recovery from divorce. At some point in the process, a switch turns off everything. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you reach the point of indifference, it is such a beautiful feeling. For me, it came the day I learned that he had lied the entire time...something just clicked and I was able to walk out and live. Now, it has been a slow and at times, painful process........let's be honest, very painful. I began the new year, 2007, as a single mom. I have even been one a few dates.....those stories will be for another time.

The divorce issues are not finished though and to be honest, I am not sure if they ever will be. In order to get our divorce, we had to push it though and actually go to court on the 27th of December. We filed and finalized the same day to avoid the new Louisiana law that mandates a minimum one year waiting period after filing if there are minor children involved. We had been separated for seven and a half months on the 27th. The problem is that since we pushed the divorce, the custody and settlement issues were not resolved yet. And as of today, they still aren't! Isn't life exciting? God, I could give you details that would make your head spin, but I am not sure if it is even worth typing. Let's just say, and God forgive me, but the once sweet, gentle man that I married is now a Class A Asshole. It is amazing how much people can change, but then, I have changed as well.

How have a I changed? Well, for the first time in my life, outside of my children, I am putting ME first. Imagine that? For nineteen years I always put someone else's needs, wants, and desires above my own and now, well let's just say the world is all about Sonja outside of the boys. Selfish? Maybe, but it feels good.

How am I doing? Honestly, wonderful!!!!! It is amazing how much we as women hide even from ourselves. I did not realize exactly how unhappy I was. Is my life perfect now? God, no. I still get lonely as hell, and like tonight, it is hard to deal with sharing my children, but over all, my life is good. There are things that still need to be worked on, improved, and things I don't like about it, but it is good.

So, lots more needs to be written here, but I have to stop for now because Sonja's needs come first and I am going to meet a friend to have fun.

Life 101....actually a friend and I decided that if I can ever get my act completely together, I need to write a book about this past year....."Screwed and Tattooed"....catchy title? Yes, that is copyrighted! It will come eventually!

Later....

Life 101

It has been awhile.....to be honest, I just have not known what to say anymore. I have used the time that I normally spent here writing out my thoughts and feelings for study, prayer, and reflection. It has helped immensely.

My husband and I have worked out the divorce issues (I am sure a few things will change with the attorney). We will get a divorce. Let's be honest, we may have been separated for almost five months now, and the last month together was pure hell, but the last year was not that great. He changed, I thought the changes were about something different, and I fooled myself into believing that everything was okay. It was not. I guess I changed too. We could have continued going through the motions like we were, it was okay, but would it have really been fair to either of us??? Could we have put more effort into things and made it work? Maybe. Who knows? We didn't; it fell a part, and here we are. Our children will suffer the most, but together, we can pull them through it. They will be okay; we both love them very much and we will teach them how to pick up the pieces and move forward with their life. Hopefully, they will learn to never take their marriages for granted. I hope so.

So, here we are. New life really begins. Who is Sonja? What will she do? I do know that I am getting more comfortable with myself. The loneliness is still hard to deal with, but I am dealing. Each and every time the boys are gone for the weekend, I get stronger. I have no choice, but I know that there is a reason for everything; I do not have to understand it, I just have to go with it.

This journal has helped me through some of the darkest days and nights these past few months. Much has happened in the past few weeks, and this post does not begin to cover it all, but sometimes, we have to think about something, reflect on it before we can begin to understand and share. Now is my time for reflection, for learning, and understanding.

Blues???

I am not sure what is wrong today. The past week or so, I have been doing so well; a combo of the drugs (doctor put me on a mild anti-depressant to help combat the stress) and lots of grace from above. Today, I woke up and it seemed as if nothing would go right. Nothing bad, just like a PMS mood, but only post instead.

I should be doing great. My husband actually gave me extra money yesterday, enough so that I don't have to worry about making it this month and I can buy my son the extra clothes he needs for his class trip in November. Great, right? Then why do I feel so sad today?

I know it is a process, and recovery does not happen over night, but ?????

I feel so out of touch with the world. I go to work, come home, grade papers, go to my son's games, come home, grade papers, every once in a while try to take care of the health risks in the house, grade papers, (see a pattern?). I have no life. No, honestly, I have a great life....a strong faith and relationship with God, .the best two kids in the world, great supportive friends, loving parents, a great career that I dearly love, 150 students who most of them love me too, but it is that one missing piece....my best friend, love, partner, that I can not seem to handle. It is like a puzzle you put together, but that one little piece is missing and it messes up the entire picture. I really do miss him. Seeing him almost every day makes it even harder because a part of me still thinks he will be home later. Some days the depth of the pain surprises me, and others I am able to handle it. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier, and to be honest, it has some, but that in itself is heartbreaking as well.

I keep praying for a miracle, but he is so stubborn, the miracle could hit him upside the head and he would not even notice. Why then am I praying for one? Why can't I seem to "get over"? How do you get over your soul mate? The love of your life?

Looking UP

It has been a week since my last post....you can tell school has started. I don't have nearly as much time on my hands. It was a good week, difficult at times, but overall, things are starting to look up.

We had our faculty retreat Friday and it was wonderful. The air just seemed to be better (more spiritual!). Saturday I went shopping with friends and Sunday I spent most of the day asleep (gross--sinus infection!) No papers got graded this weekend so it means I am still behind.

The boys came back today and they really enjoyed their weekend at the beach with Daddy. The best part, I had a good weekend and although I missed them, I survived just fine. I have come a long way!!!!

I am reading a new book, Fascinating Womanhood, and it is amazing. It is about how we need to adjust ourselves to be more "biblical" in the sense that although we are made to be equal, the husband and wife have different roles to play according to God's plan. So why am I reading it? Well, miracles do happen and I am still praying for one. No, I will not fall a part if it does not happen, I have come too far for that, but I do love my husband and God's will is what I am working on. It if is to be, he will make it happen. If not, he has other plans for me and I will survive the hurt and become a stronger person!

Go me!!!!

I promise to try to do a better job of posting, but this is going to be another crazy week with Athletic board meeting on Tuesday, Open house on Wednesday, a football scrimmage on Thursday, a game on Friday, and then from 7-3 on Saturday, a Jamboree!!! God give me strength!!! Sometimes in all of this I have to work and then grade papers....and let's not talk about laundry, food, and the basics of life!!!